#WHAT THE FUCK DOES THE PREVIEW MEAN CHRIST

[katyawriteswhump]

power of love, part 17

PREVIEW: "Steve does that twisty thing with his tongue that Eddie couldn’t stop dreaming about. He’s gotten his whole body wrapped tight round Eddie, legs hitched round Eddie’s hips. In the water, he’s weightless, and as for Eddie… Whoops, can’t help it, Stevie! Heaven exists after all, because Eddie’s gotten both his hands clamped happily to Steve’s butt, and he’s rutting against him, raising waaay more than a semi..."

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 18

CW for temporary character death... and then steddie cuteness, promise!

Eddie POV continued

O’Sullivan regards Eddie like something he’s just scraped off the bottom of his boot, then turns about and grabs Steve’s drooping chin. “Tell us where the girl is, Harrington. Or Loverboy’s gonna wish he’s never been born.”

Eddie’s stomach performs a sickening flip. Steve twists from O’Sullivan’s grip, looks pretty much ready to spit:

“Okay, okay,” he says. “I know who you mean. I never saw her. Ever! I swear! She’s dead. That’s what I heard… uh… yeah. Dead. Right? Trust me, she was swallowed by that Upside-Down-gate-craziness. Happy now? HAPPY NOW?”

O’Sullivan sighs. Then backhands Steve, hard, around the face. The white of Steve’s eyes flash up. He slumps limply against the guy behind him. They let him slide to the floor, impacting with a soft thud.

“If I were you, Munson, I’d consider your answers more carefully,” says O’Sullivan, as casually as if Steve had failed a physics test.

Eddie is left alone, with Steve lying on the floor, slumped on his side. Time stands still. A yellow strip-light flickers. Eddie remains plastered against the wall.

As if moving would be to concede this is real.

Steve isn’t moving. Steve is completely motionless.

Steve is… 

After his second major concussion, Robin told Eddie, Steve wasn’t supposed to drink. But there was more to it, Eddie recalls. He can’t remember who spilled the rest, Steve or Robin, but Eddie knows—the doctor’s warning had been brutal. Any more head trauma, and Steve might have a stroke, a brain bleed, go blind, deaf, lose his memory, go mad. He could die.

A flash of wild terror spurs Eddie into action. He rushes to Steve, eases him over, gives him a little shake. “Steve? Steve!” He lifts Steve’s head and shoulders into his lap, cupping his face, jostling him gently. “You’re gonna be okay, Stevie. I’m gonna slay those son-of-a-bitches for this. Wake up. Wake up!”

He brushes the hair from Steve’s face. It’s so stupidly soft and warm, and his skin is warm too, hot even. There’s reddish marks around Steve’s temple and cheekbone where O’Sullivan struck him. “Not so bad, huh? C’mon. Wakey wakey, buddy.”

Eddie feels the blood trickling from Steve’s ear, mingling with the mud on Eddie’s jeans, before he sees it.

“Oh God, Baby, no, no, no, no, no.”  Eddie lowers his cheek to Steve’s lips. No breath. NO BREATH! He fumbles for a pulse, and…

Time passes.

Tears drench Eddie’s face then dry up then start again. He hugs Steve to him, rocking him as if that would help, showering kisses on Steve’s hair till it’s matted with tears.

Eventually, Eddie’s arms ache so bad he shifts position. He cradles Steve more squarely across his lap and notices the scrap of paper half-tucked in Steve’s pocket. It’s the same green paper that Steve wrote that douchey sucker-punch note on.

Not that it matters now. Nothing matters now. Eddie reaches for it and reads it anyhow. 

Eddie, I love you. Please don’t follow me. Steve x

The sourest tears yet flood his eyes. “I love you, too. I love you, I love you. We shouldn’t have worked. We should’ve hated each other's guts. But we did work, which was totally nuts. Jesus Christ, I loved you so much.” 

Talk about timing, Munson. Story of my life. Story of my fucking life.

He wishes those bastards would come in and finish him. The thought of a future without Steve is unbearable.

…

Steve POV

Steve’s been here before.

His pain dies in an instant. The blood-red veil lifts from in front of his eyes. That wordlessly singing voice trickles through the waters, reassuring him everything will be all right. 

This time, he sure as heck doesn’t buy that candy-ass bull.

He can see Eddie, though it’s like he’s peering at him through mists. Eddie’s pain, on the other hand, is as raw and real to Steve as a dagger twisting in his gut. He hears Eddie’s voice, too, shaken by endless sobs: “Jesus Chris, I loved you so much.”

“That past tense sucks, Eddie. I love you, too.”

Eddie can’t hear, of course. Even scarier, Steve sees his own body, snug in Eddie’s arms, and he sure as heck isn’t in it. The swirling blue fogs between them thicken, and he hears a trickle of water. No, no, no, no, no! Don’t take me away. Still not yet. Please? I’ve gotta get back to him! 

“You know what you have to do,” says that now-totally-annoying voice in his head.

Steve spins around. His spooky-ass fairy-water-god-spirit is floating around like a nerdy freshman with a crush on him. He raises some disturbingly translucent arms to the heavens. “You’re really starting to piss me off, you know that?”

“You know what you have to do.”

They sorta smile. He glares, while formulating a ballpark approximation of what’s supposed to happen next. Red tide rises, blue tide sweeps through these tunnels like a tsunami and BOOM washes these suckers to Hell. Or whatever. El comes back to Hawkins, defeats Vecna for good, saves the world.

He needs to channel his anger, feed that hate. One major problem:

“Hate to be a bummer, but I’m not being roped into your world of crazy. Not right now.” He plants his ghostly hands on his hips. “I can’t flush away the first guy who loved me back, like he was a dead goldfish or something.”

“You cannot drown him with love.”

“Seriously, if you don’t cut the cryptic bullshit, I’m gonna have to punch you.” 

“Your power never came from anger, Steve. You’ll do anything to protect them, remember? Anything… anything.”

“Huh?” He turns that one over in his mind. Actually, it makes some sense. He shrugs and peeps over his shoulder. A single glance at Eddie, hunched and miserable, growing ever more distant, and that burning core of hate within him fades. Something a shitload stronger replaces it.

That’s when he feels it. A strange drag from the depths of his soul, an irresistible gravity that—somehow, he knows this—draws every drop of water in Hawkins toward the tunnels.

Oh. Crap. This is gonna be huge.

He squeezes his eyes tight, concentrates hard. 

I’ll do anything to protect him. Anything. Anything… Jesus Christ, Eddie, I really hope this works!

…

Eddie POV

At length, a couple of O’Sullivan’s minions come in, grab Eddie by his arms, hoist him up. He clings to Steve’s cold hand, like a kid clinging to a broken toy, till he’s forced to let him drop. The door slams between them.

“You’re just gonna leave him on the floor?” He mutters it way too quiet, keeps on muttering, as if it would distract him from the searing pain in his heart. “My uncle, a ton of decent guys I know—they served their country. Did it for reasons that made sense to them at the time. Wondering how this makes sense to you? Murdering teens. Hunting little girls. Bet your folks are real proud.”

They frogmarch him back to that vast hall. One of them points to a tall, upright box. Screw it, it looks like a coffin! O’Sullivan stalks over, and a white-hot hatred seizes Eddie, teeth grinding, because he’s totally beyond words.

O’Sullivan points to the box. “We call this the chokey. I suggest you tell us everything you know, and fast, or you will be spending some time in it. We also have one with spikes. It’s called an Iron Maiden.”

That’s when Eddie totally cracks up. “Iron Maiden? Awesome!” He manages several twangs on an air guitar, before he’s grabbed again, mid silent power-chord. They can’t cut off his genuine if joyless laughter: “You couldn’t make this shit up! This is the end of the Twentieth Century, man! I mean, I’m a huuuuuge fan of Iron Maiden, don’t get me wrong, but… Oh my God, oh my God, this is fucking insane!”

O’Sullivan looks pissed, and Eddie is shoved toward the upright coffin. That’s the point where Eddie hears the deafening thunder of the approaching flood.

Panic erupts in the hall. A split second later, the wall of water slams into him and sweeps him along, completely submerged. Screw Iron Maiden—his lungs are caught in an iron clamp. He sees his captors in the water, floating, fighting, scrambling. Drowning! Eddie’s panic swells bringing the swell of darkness with it…

His hand is grabbed, then he’s tugged close, held tight. He breathes something far sweeter than air, because Steve’s suddenly there, and he looks fiiiine, apart from… Oh shit, his eyes are no longer brown. They’re a deep, swirling midnight blue, like a whirlpool that’s gonna suck Eddie in. Which he kinda does, and Eddie’s good with that.

Steve’s lips close over Eddie’s, and the kiss is mind-blowing. Almost instantly, the weight of life lifts from Eddie’s shoulders, sweet air fills his lungs, and everything rocks. Steve anchors them both, as the flood rushes by, allowing Eddie to get totally in to the kiss.

Oh yeah, Baby! 

Steve does that twisty thing with his tongue that Eddie couldn’t stop dreaming about. He’s gotten his whole body wrapped tight round Eddie, legs hitched round Eddie’s hips. In the water, he’s weightless, and as for Eddie… Whoops, can’t help it, Stevie! Heaven exists after all, because Eddie’s gotten both his hands clamped happily to Steve’s butt, and he’s rutting against him, raising waaay more than a semi.

The awesomeness is mildly interrupted by Steve’s voice in his head. “We have to finish this, Eddie. We have to get rid of these suckers, so Eleven can save the world.”

This should be shocking, but Eddie’s so punch-drunk on crazy he barely blinks. I think it’s kinda finished, thinks Eddie. Seriously, haven’t you drowned them already? Oh, and sorry ’bout the mahoosive boner.

“Back at ya, man. It’s not about killing them, tho’.”

Woah, you can hear MY voice too?

“’Course I can, dipshit! You’re part of this—haven’t you figured it out yet? It’s about love not hate, okay? You gotta help me.”

Help you with what, Babe?

“Um… I think I need to open a gate to another dimension.”

The Upside Down?

“Uuuuuh, not sure if I can do that one. It’s another one.”

Riiight. Sounds tricky. Can’t we just make out forever?

“Screw it—that could work.”

The kiss is already messy, sloppy, bordering on bruising, tongues scrubbing roughly, and teeth skimming tender flesh. As they happily suck each other’s faces off, Eddie senses a magnet-like current flowing between them, which doesn’t feel like Steve. It’s the stillness of ages, the brutal strength of nature, and a savage fury that escalates to a scream that’s definitely NOT Steve’s voice, though, actually, it might as well be:

“GET OUT OF MY TOWN AND STAY AWAY FROM MY KIDS!”

A mini thunderstorm whips up in Eddie’s head, crashing, cracking and fizzing like his skulls gonna explode. He enfolds Steve tighter than ever and kisses him like the fate of the world depends on it.  

Which it might. Which is totally rad. There’s plenty worse ways to save the world than kissing Steve Harrington.

A boom louder than an AC/DC concert shakes the crap out of him, and everything fades to black.

Part 18

...

I might be taking a short break before I write more of this... maybe not, but life is not kind right now... we'll see ;)

tags: @estrellami-1 @kal-ology @finntheehumaneater If anybody else would like to be tagged on this fic or any of my writing, please let me know :)

(also part of my steve whump fic series on AO3)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16

[brimbrimbrimbrim]

I just read the first chapters of Seed of Human Kindness and its already bookmarked, subscribed, kudoed, loved and protected by me. JDOSXIOWIXIWSIS I AM LITERALLY IN CRUMBLES BC AT THE SAME TIME I READ SOMETHING SO GOOD BUT I NEED MORE TO BE SATISFIED – call me the cook because im eating this fic up like its some man yumyum –

If its annoying, just ignore, but do you have a estimate of when the next chapter will be out?

Btw. Loved ur writing so much, u got the vaultie and the ghoul personality down to a T!!

You bless me with this ask. My heart is all a flutter and my insides all a bother. Thank you. I’m really happy that you’re enjoying the first two chapters so much. I’ve been having a blast writing (my muse is back, baby!) and I’m, once again, so humbled to find fellow weirdos that like what I like.

Chapter 3 will be out this Friday at the latest. Here’s a lil preview. Pardon any spelling or grammatical issues. It’s still a rough draft. :)

“The sun is setting… right? Maybe we should make camp? Find us some shelter, and I’ll make dinner. The salted Fiend is still good, and we got those canned beans from last night. Unless you’ve got any other ideas, Gunslinger?”

She’s asked for his name no less than two dozen times before turning the nickname into an insult for not offering up anythin’ else. The cook’s told him her name just about as often, but it does shit to him her cookin’ can’t satiate, and he’d instead get butt fucked in a dirt grave than admit he’s been thinkin’ ‘bout taking her stupid vault suit in his hands… of ridding her of it… breaking her in like a mare in the middle of no man’s land, chanting that fuckin’ name as he fills her with that sticky sap she’s after.

‘Foul fuckin’ thoughts of wanton violence and devious lust, indeed.”

Thankfully, he likes her an’ the grub enough not to fuck up a good thing. Minus the chatter, she’s been painless company so far…

The Ghoul glances down at her as she scans the horizon: a ritual when she began noticing the position of the sun and his corresponding decision to make camp. She’s spied many forgotten ingredients on their path east, of which she’s found uses for plenty. In the several days he’s been saddled with her, The Ghoul’s eaten well: eggs ‘n tato hash, chili with hard tac, pan-cooked peaches topped in gingersnap crumble, not to mention all the well-cooked steak and shikabobs of whatever root vegetable she’s been able to spot.

On cue, his stomach starts to rumble and cramp, eager for another well-cooked meal.

“Not much but radroaches out this way…” he states, matter o’ fact and intently uncaring until he feels like bein’ mean just for the fuck of it and bites out, “Unless you wanna bait us a Fiend or two, hm?” The Ghoul takes in the openness around ‘em, wondering how long it’d take for her to attract some curious cowpoke if he dangled her over the highway…

“Betcha we’d have us some fresh meat in half an hour with your luck.”

No answer.

The silence stretches a half-second too long, leaving him spooked enough The Ghoul turns on his heel, leather brim cutting out the sun, and finds himself alone.

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ,” he curses, “Where’d that bitch run off to…”

<3

[lost-boys-chapter]

I have successfully completed the twok reread!! got through the sanderlanche this afternoon. hoping to get through words of radiance before september as it's the last work month before many a school month meaning my free time is gonna plummet dramatically. anyway

I've not got a bunch to say about the end of this book, considering how much happens. I think most of what we actually learn in twok is resolved in the next few books. but of course who would I be without my rambles?

genuinely one of my favorite moments of this book was when kaladin went around the tower looking for someone in charge and when he couldn't find someone he just looked at one guy and went 'you're promoted.' my man does NOT have the authority and everyone knows it but they're just like. yeah sure why not. kaladin ily.

I do really feel for rlain at this point. not sure I ever really processed how shit his situation was when he revealed himself in (wor or ob?) cus by that point the carapace armor shit has passed but jesus fucking christ someone give that crab therapy. renarin I'm looking at u

KABSAL!! we've been knew by this point that I forgot about him but he was a ghostblood?? mind you not a very good one was he. that was a very cool reveal that I feel like. did actually hit harder in cool points the second time around.

think I'll def begin to enjoy dalinar's pov now again. he's so boring in twok I'm so sorry. but yeah

looking forward to shallan's pov chapters next book. I wasn't really paying attention to Team Scholar the first time around but knowing more of actually what's going on with them now they're like. crazy lore dropping left and right. I wanna see what I can glean from these two now I'm more invested in both their characters and their storylines.

I think wit is suspicious. but I love him. his epilogues are great. I fear his goals will be beyond all of our understanding until it's too late xxx

also the more I reread the more I buy into the city-shattering/continent shattering theory I've seen around. totally forgot about that vision that dalinar has where kholinar shatters. given it was the first one he had I suspect it might be an end-of-book event in kowt. but who knows Brandon's mind is unknowable!!

I've definitely been thinking a lot about the death rattles too. a couple of main thoughts:

does anyone else think the 'I hold the suckling child in my hands....and know that all who live wish me to let the blade slip....and with it gain us breath to draw' one leads into 'so the night will reign, for the choice of honor is life?' it definitely sounds like they're both referring to child champion theory. which I do hate as a theory but I see it.

I think the 'I'm standing over the body of a brother. I'm weeping. is that his blood or mine? what have we done?' one is usually agreed to be about gavilar but I think it's about kaladin and moash. I won't b elaborating.

also the 'I raise my hand. the storm responds' one could so be about dalinar if he becomes a fused. like he loses the battle but still retains some bondsmith powers and now uses them for ✨️evil✨️ or something. who knows.

anyway that's all for now, hopefully about 40% of it is coherent. will be reading the new preview chapters after work tonight or tomorrow but I'm hyped for them !!

[redwineconversation]

Lyon - Fleury Coupe de France Postgame Thoughts

Should I put this under a read more? Probably. Will I? No.

This game was an absolutely preview of what is going to happen in the fucking playoffs: a shitty ref, blatant missed calls, teams parking the bus, it goes to penalties, Lyon loses on penalties.

I hope this, too, confirms that Lyon desperately needs to get rid of Bompastor, and desperately needs to get rid of the deadweight that is Marozsan. Arguably one of her worse performances of the season, and there have been a lot of them.

It's not really fair to blame the midfield, because I do think that Dabritz was one of the better players of the game. Damaris was, well, Damaris - she got fouled, tried to her job. It wasn't a standout performance from her, but it was more or less what I expected from her.

Marozsan also performed as expected, and by that I mean she was absolutely godawful. I do not understand how her fans keep defending her mediocre performance after mediocre performance. Is she a quality player? Sure. Is she technical? Sure is. But Jesus Christ she no longer has the level to be anywhere near this Lyon side, not if they want to win games. Not when actual physical effort / intensity is required.

Sit her ass on the bench, sell her, use her as a warm body in practice, I don't care. She just no longer has the level, and you can make a genuine argument she doesn't have the will either, to perform at this level. She just doesn't. The sooner everyone comes to term with that reality the better.

Majri didn't really do much of anything either way. Nothing stood out, nothing made me recoil in horror. She was obviously pissed at being subbed out but alas when the intention was to win in regular time... You wanted players who would actually push forward.

Hegerberg getting subbed 20 minutes in was annoying, partly because our offense is so blatantly stagnant without her, and partly because that should have been a red card to the goalkeeper. This goes back to what I said at the beginning - it was a shitty ref with blatant missed calls. The game probably would have been different if Fleury's starting goalkeeper had been sent off. She wasn't, she made the necessary saves, Lyon lost. It is what it is.

Bacha was either on, or she was way off, and there wasn't really an in between. It's frustrating when she's like that, switched on only in fleeting moments.

Defense was what it was, didn't really stand out either way. It'll be nice to have Gilles back if only for the height on corners; likewise, we were very obviously missing Renard on the field. @mom please come back, the kids aren't the same without you. Contrary to the wrong opinions of some, Sombath is a better center back than she is right back, and is better suited when she actually plays in her natural position. A novel concept for those who don't expect Lyon to win games, but again, here we are.

Carpenter I thought was rusty with Diani and better with Cascarino, but I think that just comes down to having a better connection with Cascarino than she does Diani simply because she has played with Cascarino for longer.

Van de Donk did what was expected of her, I do wonder if the game had been different had the No. 10 been played by a player who actually cared if the ball was won back. Again, we'll never know, what's done is done. I'd say this should serve as a wakeup call to Bompastor that van de Donk should have that starting spot for games Lyon actually wants to win, but knowing Bompastor, we're going to see Becho as a 10 next week purely because she lives to disappoint me.

So that's the player recap, let's talk about the game itself. Lyon didn't play well until probably the 85th minute, when they accepted it was going to go to penalties and they didn't want that to happen. Why it took them 85 minutes to wake up, lord only knows, but we can blame Bompastor's coaching regardless.

My stance on Bompastor is this: I think she has to go, I think she will go, and my main concern is that we will get Bompastor 2.0. I do not want to have to go through another coach whose main philosophy is to "give young academy players a chance" instead of recruiting players who understand what it takes to win the UWCL. You can't have it both ways. Either you want the best players or you want to be a club who allows its academy players to express themselves, if it's the latter, then they will not be a UWCL competitive team.

Academy players weren't on the field today, but it's still something I want to rip into for Bompastor so we're going to talk about it. If you want to win the UWCL then you have to recruit players capable of doing so. If you want to win competitive games, you have to have players who are capable of doing so. The fact of the matter is there are a considerable amount of players on Lyon's current roster who have no business being there. That they are is simply because Bompastor believes in giving academy players a chance, instead of focusing on maintaining Lyon's position in Europe.

Will Lyon even be playing in Europe next season? This game showed that there's a real probability that Lyon could not make the UWCL next season, despite being 21 (!!!!) points ahead of the 4th place team. The fucking playoffs are so detrimental.

Because we saw what happened today: a team just needs to park the bus, have a shitty ref who misses blatant calls, and let it get to penalties where it becomes a roll of the dice. With a little bit of luck Lyon will actually have its reliable penalty takers back come playoffs, but that's a whole other conversation. Were Fleury really the better team? No, they weren't. But they converted their penalties whereas Lyon didn't, so they're in the final of the Coupe de France and Lyon is not. It's extremely concerning that this conversation could happen again in a couple of months.

I don't think the argument that playoffs "make the league more competitive" can be done in good faith. You can point to the NWSL and be like "it's a competitive league! Anyone can win up until the last day!" But it's also a closed league with zero consequences. A team can fail to make the playoffs in the NWSL and absolutely nothing affects them for the following season. A team can win the NWSL and they get a bonus and a trophy. Doesn't mean anything for the next season either.

You can't make that same argument for the D1 Arkema when the UWCL is at play. There will be genuine consequences if Lyon fails to make the UWCL next season, not least an exodus of players who will make what is happening with Wolfsburg a walk in the park. There are obvious financial repercussions as well as recruitment. Top players interested in trophies want to play in the UWCL. They're not going to sign for a team whose pitch is "well, fingers crossed we can make it next season. Please sign?"

If you're going to do the fucking playoffs, do it for a tournament where it doesn't matter what happens for the next season. Otherwise you get the scenario we just saw.

TL:DR - #BompastorOUT and Marozsan is awful. Fuck the playoffs. I hate losing.

[longeyelashedtragedy]

⭐^⭐

⭐ ⭐ both below the cut!

first, let's do: something from the unpublished fic colloquially known as "Jamie did a bad bad thing." I guess the working title is "red red red." it's too disjointed to have a proper title yet--

“I’ll just be honest, Jamie.  Some of my friends think you’re gay.”

Jamie’s heart is instantly pounding so much he feels like he can’t breathe. “Who does?  Which friends?”

“Does it matter?”

"Of course it fucking matters. I want to know who's saying that kind of shit about me."

"As if being gay was the worst thing in the world, Jamie. Jesus Christ."

Jamie thinks he should have a good, snappy response, to show Louise just how wrong she was, but he comes up so blank that she just snorts out of some kind of disgust, shakes her head, and turns away from him.

What was bad about it? Well...the things Dad and Uncle Frank always said, for one. 

He feels stupid not having a proper answer for Louise. And for his only answer to be something about his Dad and his uncle, like he wasn't a full-grown adult. 

He closes his eyes he doesn’t want to see Louise he doesn’t want to think about her but when he closes his eyes—

Red red red on the pink lips.  The hand that haunts him (all those movies he was so scared of back then were just a preview…) The chubby hand that haunts him, a little damp from the sweat of Ayia Napa nights, a little sticky.  Hitting at his arms kind of uselessly.  Sloppy.  Jamie Jamie Jamie Jamie.  What kind of hand was it? 

--throughout this fic, Jamie has to encounter a few things over and over that haunt him, and one of them is his own learned homophobia vs his obvious wanting of another, uh, man. I was thinking about how hate and bigotry are just such pathetic, empty concepts. like, if you stop to break it down for a second--unless you're some kind of leviticus bible thumper, there is literally nothing wrong with being gay, and if you only think so cause you grew up hearing it from adults, that's extremely pathetic, and could be embarrassing to be caught in by someone who thinks your homophobia is ridiculous. I know that not everyone is gonna think like this--trust me, i've experienced homophobia of my own--but themes of infantilization kind of run throughout the Lampardverse and i like the idea of jamie's own issues getting thrust back in his face to make him feel even more pathetic and insecure. (I also experienced something like this in real life--a person trying to make a homophobic remark who got shut down by everyone else around him making him feel like shit about it, and it was kind of epic ngl). But then also we have Jamie--canonically insanely anxious and fearful and haunted Jamie--getting drawn away from reality by the disjointedly remembered nightmare of his Past Actions.

the next one: from the Christmas Chapter (TM, 'tis the season!) of Dangerous AU. warnings: being a little gross with blood, gratuitious mention of Killing. it's dangerous AU, you know! blunt but pulpy and silly.

“This blood is very sexy on you. Let me take a picture.”  And Granit pulls out his phone.  “This will be very nice to have when you’re not with me, you know.”

Mikel barely thinks about what Granit means.  He leans back down and takes another taste. 

“Hey, hey, what the fuck!”  Granit’s hand grips his arm too hard and pulls him up to his feet.  “What are you doing?”

“This is part of what I do.”

“But—you—”  Granit is confused, and Mikel can practically see his mind working and fail to make sense of it.  No one could possibly.  “You’re—But aren’t you going to get sick?”

“I haven’t yet. But if I do…I do. Does it matter?” Who would even care, he’s always wondered, if he was gone? His family, sure. But they’d never known the real Mikel; they’d be mourning someone else. So would it even matter?

“Yes it does. Of course it matters.”  Granit is angry at him.  “What about your Granit? Do you think he wants to lose you?”

Granit places his hand over Mikel’s fast-beating heart. “Don’t—don’t be stupid. Okay? Kill them as much as you want, you deserve to have some fun, maybe I can watch again someday. I hope I can.  But don’t be stupid.”

There’s so much Granit still doesn’t know. 

“Okay, shpirti im?”

Mikel just nods. There’s no need to argue this right now. 

He wraps his arms around Granit and presses his forehead, where no blood is, against Granit’s heartbeat. 

They are still singing in the church. He used to like midnight mass—the songs, the incense and shadows and mystery. 

This is better. 

Here we get a little glimpse into serial killer Mikel's, uh, behaviors. i haven't figured out when in the trajectory of this fic this chapter happens, but by the time it does, the reader will know plenty about mikel's behaviors after he murders and why he does. however, this'll be granit's first time seeing it, and he's kind of horrified. remember, of course, that granit is a murder machine and a sadist who kills for fun in a way that mikel does not, but--BUT!

this is one of my favorite parts of writing dangerous au, see, it's over the top and silly, and a recurring theme is that both of them are often on a kind of moral high horse about their own killing methods and motivations. for example, granit--and Taulant when he finally shows up (who, in canon, mikel is slightly afraid of) and all of his people think the concept of serial killing is weird and disturbing, while mikel thinks granit & co are slightly unnerving and deranged. this is FUNNY (to me, because i have a dreadful sense of humor) because obviously neither of them has ANY place to judge. also what's important here is the running theme of granit sincerely believing mikel has so much worth and having a huge heart of gold--in his very own way--when it comes to him. in fact, granit loves and values mikel so much that mikel's lack of self-worth makes hm rather angry!

[einsk8rot]

stuff from the offical sk8 twt!

[bloomsberries]

Any bedlam preview? Please. . . .

Sure, here’s a bit from the last chapter, The Road Back:

“You haven’t got much stuff,” Effy notes, glancing at Emily’s luggage—a single, small bag next to Katie’s two overstuffed suitcases. Effy’s only got one bag, too, bigger than Emily’s but it still makes Katie wish she’d been more prudent in her packing. They’ll only be ten days, after all.

Emily nods. “No,” she admits. “I haven’t. I won’t be staying long.”

“What d’you mean?” Katie asks, surprised. This is the first she’s heard of it; she’d just come to accept that her twin would tag along like a decrepit, lonely widow on holiday with her well-appointed and happily engaged sister. In a fit of pique, Katie had enjoyed the fantasy of it, anyway.

“Much as I like you,” Emily says, a hint of amused sarcasm in her voice, “I’d rather not completely ruin your holiday. I’ve booked a room at a separate hotel, and I’ve got an idea of things I’d like to see on my own, that’s all.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I am telling you. This is me telling you, Katie.”

“Christ, you know what I fucking mean.”

“It’s just not a big deal, okay? You’ll have a better time without me.”

That much is true, and truth wins out, so Katie doesn’t bother arguing, but she silently worries; Emily appears less brittle than she did the first few days after her break-up with Naomi, but touring London on her own seems ill-advised; and Katie isn’t sure whether it means Emily is trying to move on by tucking a callous adventure under her belt, or if she’s still emotionally lost, and looking to fall deeper into the void.

Once they are on the train, it’s Effy who broaches the verboten subject.

“You alright, then?” she asks Emily. “You don’t have to talk about it, but I know where we can go. If you’re looking to forget, that is.”

“Straight to the fucking point,” Emily says, smiling a little as she tips her head against the window and stares out. (Katie only sees a blur of trees and a soft white sky.) “I’m fine, really.” After a pause, she adds, “Not fine yet, but I will be, and a little distance might do me some good.”

“It’s none of my business, and you can tell me to shut the fuck up if you’d like, but she does love you. She’s wrecked, too," Effy says.

Katie’s eyes dart to Effy’s in time to see Effy, for a moment, looking back.

Emily grimaces. “A lot of good it’s done us. Just look how well we’re doing,” she says, her derision tempered by time. Katie remembers the first torrents of hot rage that poured out of her once she'd finished sobbing her eyes out, at the beginning of it. Rather, at the beginning of the end. What’s left now is less angry than sad, tired.

“I know, but if anyone’s got a chance, you do. Maybe it isn’t over, not for good.”

“And if it is?”

“Then you’ll have a lovely memory.”

“Doubt it,” Emily says. “Once a relationship ends, people only remember the bad, don’t they?”

“Then you’ll just have to try to not be most people.”

Katie watches the conversation like she might an episode of Eastenders, detached yet horrified--listening to Effy pretend to be hopeful about love is doing her head in. Where is the pragmatist who only a few months earlier wagered twenty quid on Naomi and Emily’s romantic demise? Whose concept of love is reduced to “whatever that means,” as though words have no concrete meaning? What is this bollocksy prattle about rose-coloured memories and unlikely reunions?

Emily shrugs Effy’s words away, tired, maybe, of the conversation; of having to dig into fresh wounds. Katie’s tired of it, too.

[nochi-quinn]

Of The Moth For The Star

Fandom: Fallout 4 Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Deacon/Female Sole Survivor, Deacon/Sole Survivor (Fallout), Deacon & Female Sole Survivor, Female Sole Survivor & Nick Valentine, Deacon & Nick Valentine Characters: Deacon (Fallout), Nick Valentine, Female Sole Survivor Additional Tags: POV Deacon (Fallout 4), Hurt/Comfort, Pining, Falling In Love, Love Realization, Bittersweet Ending, Possibly Unrequited Love, Canon-Typical Violence, Deacon has PTSD

Preview:

The solo trip through Charlestown is more nerve-wracking than usual, his mind on his surroundings way less than it should be. It’s on her , damnably, why all the runner had to say was her name and not what might have happened to her.

There might have been more to it if you hadn’t bolted out the door , his mind taunts him. He shakes it off, irritated - he was allowed to worry about her. Right? She was his partner. His friend, even if he was really, really bad at saying that last part out loud. Hell, he just got comfortable saying the first part. With extending that kind of trust. 

“You’re fucked up,” he mutters to himself, for neither the first or last time, and quickens his steps through the city.

When he hits the settlement’s gates he makes a beeline for the market, detouring only when he spots Nick at a table in the corner. The synth stands to greet him, but the friendly hand falls away when he sees the look on Deacon’s face. 

“She’s upstairs,” he says simply. Deacon turns on his heel, taking the stairs two at a time. As a result he beats Nick to the second floor, realizing only once he’s there that he doesn’t know which room she’s in, and has to wait with barely-contained agitation until Nick catches up. Not thinking. Not planning. Pure reaction, pure impulse. Gonna get myself killed like this. 

“Kay did her best,” Nick mutters, approaching a door in the center of the hall. “But she’s gonna need a real doctor. Not that Kay’s - you know what I mean.”

That does nothing to help Deacon’s agitation. When Nick gets the door unlocked it takes everything in him not to shove past him, to get into the room as quickly as he can. 

“She might be asleep,” Nick says, sharp against Deacon’s hurry, but there’s already stirring in the bed in the corner.

“Deac?” Her voice is slurred - she had been sleeping. He feels a little bad for waking her until she sits up, ignoring Nick’s noise of protest, and the thin sheet falls away.

“Jesus Christ.” Deacon takes a half-step towards her, hand outstretched, but stops himself. Lets the hand fall and just stares . She’s wearing a button-down shirt, two sizes too big so that the collar falls low and he can see the litany of bruises crawling up her neck from under the bandages wrapped around what looks to be her entire torso. “What happened ?”

“Gunners,” Nick says grimly. That’s bad enough, but the way Fixer flinches is worse. She didn’t want me to know . The thought is clear and solid in his head, and he feels his jaw settle into a hard line. 

“So a real ‘you should see the other guy’ situation, huh.” The joke is automatic; he doesn’t feel it. Fixer, to her credit, meets his eyes as she nods. Even that small movement has her wincing, and she settles back against the wall with her eyes closed. 

“I’ll…wait downstairs,” Nick says, sliding out into the hall, leaving the two of them alone with the thick, heavy discomfort in the air between them. 

Fixer hasn't sat up, still leaned back against the wall, breathing shallowly. 

"How bad?" Let me see , he wants to say. Let me fix it.

"Ribs." Her voice is strained. "Back. Mostly bruised. No breaks. Probably."

"Grenades?" She just nods, wrapping one arm around her middle with a hard wince and a hissing inhale. 

"That and a car." Deacon closes his eyes, takes a deep breath in. Lets it out slowly. 

"Why here?" 

She opens one eye. "What?" 

"Why have Nick bring you here?" 

The eye drifts shut again. "He doesn't know the way home," she murmurs. "Doesn't want to. Operational security ." The phrase is accompanied by a thin smile. "Knew I could snag a runner here." 

"You couldn't have sent more than your name?" He sinks into the room's only chair, adrenaline finally draining and leaving his muscles sore. He can’t be mad. Wants to be, wants to know why she went and what she did and why she didn’t want him to know, but he’s just too tired and too relieved to find her in mostly one piece. His eyes are still fixed squarely on her, the ragged way she’s breathing and her jaw clenched against the pain. She cracks one eye again, frowning at him.

“I did. Said I was alive but needed help home.”

Told you so. He swats the mental voice away. “He didn’t get to that part,” he admits quietly. “I left pretty quick.” Fixer’s mouth curves into a smile.

“Careful, partner. People might start thinking you care.”

There's a sudden tightness in his chest he can't explain. Probably just adrenaline. He struggles to return the smile, but manages it in the end.

[analyzingadventure]

Ghost Game, Episode 21, The Spider’s Lure

SO AFTER WHAT THE OFFICIAL ACCOUNT SHARED ON TWITTER, I AM CONCERNED

Is the bastard boy back. Is the big meanie returning this episode. What the fuck is gonna happen to cause that

On a happier note, ARUKENIMON RIGHTS! HELL we’re even gonna see the human form from Zero Two! (Thanks Twitter preview, I guess)

Anyways here we go

Oh those are some creepy eye-- OH GOD

Fuck that’s creepy

So uh, we have like. At least one (1) canon human casualty in the series so far. But that was an accidental death, a tragedy.

Are we now upgrading to straight up murder

OH. OH THOSE SOUNDS. OH NO

OH NO. OH JESUS.

THE BABY GLOVES HAVE COME OFF I GUESS

I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND GUSH ABOUT SEEING HER PRETTY LITTLE FACE AGAIN BUT I’M TOO FUCKING HORRIFIED RIGHT NOW

Such a pretty young lady... Full of human meat... :(

You’re not sus at all honey, not sus at all... (You know atually, considdering the red outfit you could make an easy Amongus joke here)

You know, before the episode aired I was joking with friends how now all GG has to do is bring back Doctor Mummymon (with his PHD) and have these two befriend and everything would be amazing, but... Alas... Mummymon was a sweet bean... I don’t want these two to meet anymore... ;_;

Ah, so they’re using “Archnemon”... I do prefer that localization too, since that is the correct way to spell to root word here, but I heard the “Arukenimon” localization was like a tribute to SMT so I had somewhat switched to that... Sorry I find localization just fun to ponder about, anyways back to watching the kids get eaten alive I guess

Oh great, we also got bunch of Dokugumon here, just a big ol’ Spider Family

She’s so spoopy ;___;

Oh look, those displays there, they kind of remind what Kaiser had going on for him... What a cute reference... Haha

Oh, there’s survivors still...

YUP. WE HAVE A BODY COUNT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

How many fucking Dokugumon are in this facility, jesus christ

Oh no they’re all caught

Oh jesus, fuck

DO NOT EAT THE BABY BOY’S BRAIN (does he even have a brain)

NO

NOO

NAUGHTY BOY IS BACK, OH BOY

I mean I guess at least the Baby Boy will live to see another day

Oh boy... These she goes...

“It’s not time yet”, wat

Wat

Baby Boy is back! But wat

BLACK GALGOMON?!

WELL.  THAT WAS AN EPISODE.

Next episode... A Kiyocchi episode? Seems like fun. No clue what Digimon will show up. Honestly I am okay if the next episode is a bit lighter so I can have more time to fucking recover from this one, because jesus fucking christ

[trashexplorer]

BLCD Review: Aisaretagari no Surface

Title: Aisaretagari no Surface (愛されたがりのサーフェイス)

Author/Artist: Momose An

Release Date: 2021/02/24

Cast: 

Masuda Toshiki x Ono Yuuki *nice choice, but y’all shouldn’t have been shy and cast this as Ono Yuuki x Takahashi Hiroki instead. 🙊

Kumagai Kentarou

Synopsis: Hiruma Itsuki will be co-starring with the younger popular actor, Kasugai Kei, as his brother. In order to become acclimated to their roles, the two are made to live together for the duration of shooting. Itsuki soon finds out that the refreshing and well-behaved Kei was actually a play-boy who slept with anyone and everyone! After giving up on helping Kei like an older brother, Kei pushes him down and asks him to “rehabilitate” him?!

Review Proper

You know, if 25-ji Akasaka de was bad, it would look something like this. Therefore, it looks exactly like Dakaretai Otoko. I don’t know, man. The plot is bad, but like, I don’t think the manga was half as bad as the BLCD—and that’s not something you’ll hear me say every day I’ll say this again probably next month when Tsunaida comes out. You know what this experience reminds me of? Fucking what’s their name again? Yeah, Takasaki Bosco. I mean, the plot was the holy trinity of rapey, trashy, and the audacity of the dumbassery, but istg the BLCD was just wrong. Mind you, I haven’t read the raws (bc ew do I look like I’d spend coin on Momose An?), but I’m pretty sure that sensei knows how to pace if nothing else. To give you a concrete idea on how things were moving, in chapter 1, Itsuki-san walks into Kei having sex with whoever, and he’s like “sorry for intruding your time with your lover, bro”, but Kei immediately corrects him and says that that wasn’t his lover, and that he was a manwhore. AND NOT EVEN A SECOND LATER, KEI PUSHES ITSUKI-SAN DOWN, AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE STILL DOING FOREPLAY, BUT HIS DICK WAS ALREADY IN ITSUKI-SAN’S ASS?!

They didn’t even prep his ass? We don’t even know if Itsuki-san had any experience with anal before this event? 

Wow. The pacing there was just as fast as my patience running out, which brings us to our next point: the casting.

It actually didn’t bother me that Massu was topping Ono here, even though I wanted a reverse because of my sunk Cupid ni Rakurai ship and Stray Blue. I mean, he does pretty well as a top. And if there was just one good thing that I could say about this whole shebang, it would be Massu’s acting. He was a shoe-in for Kei’s role even.

BUT

IDK MAN, ONO PLAYING ITSUKI-SAN’S ROLE JUST GAVE ME THE HEEBIE-JEEBIES!

GET AWAY FROM ME, SATAN!

I was just so uncomfortable hearing Ono in such a dumb role that I could feel my whole body reject it. This casting is not right. This casting is disgusting. You don’t understand. I mean, Kasugai Kei is the same, but Hiruma Itsuki had a personality that was as flat as a fucking piece of paper. And having Ono voice him considering Ono’s forte of dramatic and dynamic roles IS SUCH A HUGE DISSERVICE.

I was waiting for them to just give me KumaKen, but it wasn’t worth the effort. I hate this. Fuck it. Marble, just what the fuck are you doing? I would understand it if this was Marine, but what the fuck are you doing? I feel like it’s all gone down hill for Marble ever since Love Me, Love My Dog. Everybody press F. And again, why? I can forgive Marble begrudgingly for adapting Sakura Riko, but to even ride the Momose An adaptation train with Movic and Frontier? MOMOSE AN DOESN’T EVEN DO GOOD SMUT JESUS CHRIST HOW’D THEY GET FIVE ADAPTATIONS?! I might be getting real harsh here, but as I say in literally every bad review, there are so many other works out there that deserve an adaptation with voice actors as talented as these! WHEN ARE WE GETTING HAJI?! AM I GOING TO DIE BEFORE THAT HAPPENS?!

Breathe, Cheska. Breathe.

Now, if you’re a fan of Momose An and this series, lmao why this would probably be okay to listen to (assuming you don’t mind Ono doing this). From the previews I’ve seen in ebookjapan, they rearranged some things. However, since I didn’t read the whole thing, I cannot judge how closely it followed the manga. But I don’t think that they used a higher-level of Japanese in these, so listening to this might be possible even if you’re a beginner. If you’re just in for a good and hot actors BL, just go listen to and read 25-ji. It’s not exactly smutty, but dang Satou Takuya on that was sex-on-legs. 

Ya, see you in Coyote, Ono. ✨

[stormyoceansmain]

things from mr. abel's cameo that made me completely lose it, a not comprehensive list with unnecessary comments:

"look at me while im talking to you" because listen. LISTEN. we been knew they were the healthiest pairing in this show but this is yet another confirmation that they sit down together and TALK. when there's an issue between them they don't just skim over it and let it fester, they address it even if it's not exactly pleasant AND THEY MAKE THINGS WORK. and like.. im pretty sure adam learned all of this from kate but i don't think this is something michael was ever used to do (for many reasons) which means that adam, once again, is [paramore voice] THE ONLY EXCEPTIOOOOOON. excuse me while i cry.

michael apologized to adam. TWICE. while looking like a kicked puppy who knows he did something wrong. the eldest being in the universe after god. the prince and supreme commander of the heavenly host. the fiercest and most powerful warrior of heaven. wrapped around some random dude from minnesota's little finger. [TAKES A DEEP BREATH] [SCREAMS] god this is why i need all the fix-it fics where all the angels come back from the empty, because i NEED raphael and gabriel to see their big stern brother completely besotted with this one human and tease him MERCILESSLY.

the way adam can so easily call michael 'buddy/bud' and scold him.. im FINE. look i know this all sounds very repetitive and im sorry but JESUS CHRIST. WHAT A RELATIONSHIP THEY HAVE.

i don't think i have enough words in my vocabulary to express just how much i ADORE adam. he is so caring and gentle and the time in the cage also made him so understanding and compassionate. like, he was before too, don't get me wrong, but he also had all this anger (completely justified, mind you!!) and of course even now there are some things he will never be able to completely forgive ([coughs] the winchesters) but he is so.. idk, wise, now?? and with michael he is so SO forgiving, like he would have all the reasons to be fucking pissed with michael but instead he is so kind in his scolding and in pointing out what michael did wrong IM LOSING MY GODDAMN MIND OVER THIS.

fast forwarding for a second because it ties to the previews point but michael not wanting to hear adam say he is disappointed.... [HEAD IN MY HANDS] of course. of course michael's nr. 1 fear would be to be a disappointment. he lived his whole existence trying not to disappoint his father, someone who probably punished and diminished him as soon as michael did something he disapproved of. someone who was always cold and distant and didn't care. but adam is there saying 'yes you made a mistake. yes i expected more from you. it doesn't make me love you any less.' and how incredible and new that must be for michael? MAKES ME WANNA CRY FRIENDS.

"I LIKED THAT BODY TOO." DO I NEED TO ADD ANYTHING TO THIS BECAUSE I DON'T THINK I CAN WITHOUT TURNING INTO A SCREAMING PTERODACTYL.

michael getting so excited about mcdonald's of all things.. like it's so funny but also THE MOST PRECIOUS THING. and i love that technically angels only taste molecules when they eat stuff, which means that either michael can taste things through adam or.. idk some molecules taste better than others?? and i can't stop thinking about adam offering michael different food to eat because there MUST be something he can taste and michael doesn't see the point because he doesn't NEED to eat and adam explains it's about enjoying things and michael eventually relents (because OF COURSE HE DOES, but he tries stuff ONLY if adam feeds him directly with his fork or his hand) and so the list of things michael enjoys about humanity expands to 1) adam 2) mcdonald's

[iamnotparticularlyproud]

PPB Square: Kink Discovery | @peterparkerbingo

word count: 2.7k rating: mature warnings: none ao3 link: https://bit.ly/3xpiBdx

Summary: Bucky and Peter have been together for a while, but Peter can’t bring himself to talk to his boyfriend about how their sex life is a bit - uh, well, boring. Instead, Peter searches Bucky’s laptop while he isn’t home for any sign of kink whatsoever. To say it doesn’t go as he planned would be an understatement.

Bucky’s amazing. So, so amazing, and Peter could go on about it for days - about his silly nicknames, the way he makes the Brooklyn drawl sound adorable, his unexpected dorkiness and razor sharp wit, how his hands are so calloused but he holds Peter so softly--

Days, Peter could come up with these for days. 

So, it’s not like there’s anything he wishes he could change about their relationship. It’s - they’re - perfect, everything’s been perfect. Bucky’s just so nice, and after Beck, Peter wasn’t sure he’d ever be in a relationship again, let alone one so - so good. So healthy, and so supportive. 

It’s just--

Their sex is so vanilla. Painfully vanilla. The most unconventional Bucky gets is with his dirty talk, and, yeah, Peter loves how his boyfriend will call him his sweet lil boy, and tell Peter how good he takes a thick cock in his tight ass, but that's about as far as Bucky ever goes. 

And that - that isn’t a bad thing, Peter knows that, it’s just. Boring, sometimes, is all.

Peter wishes he could talk to Bucky about it, because the man always stresses communication and talking problems out, but it’s just so embarrassing. Peter’s just thinking about it and he’s flushed, so how could he say the word kink out loud? 

He can’t. He really, really can’t.

So Peter does the only other thing he can think to do.

He steals Bucky’s laptop and rummages for any signs of kink - anything to suggest his boyfriend isn’t as vanilla as it seems. Peter knows he doesn’t have long - Bucky’s out getting takeout from their favorite Thai place, and it isn’t too far - so he doesn’t waste time as he searches all the keywords he can think of in Bucky’s unorganized folders, his internet history that’s never been cleared, the hard drive Peter got him because he complained about memory but Peter was 99% sure he never touched - he was right - and then tries his luck with the recycle bin, but--

There’s not just no sign of kink.

There’s nothing. There’s no porn at all.

Peter’s mind is blown. He hadn’t even considered that he wouldn’t find porn, he thought that everyone watched porn - and unless Bucky knew how to delete specific pages from his browser history, which Peter heavily doubts, because, c'mon - but apparently, Bucky doesn’t.

He considers that, maybe, since Bucky is nearly a decade older than him, he consumes his porn in a different way. Maybe physical movies or, godforbid, magazines.

Peter’s considering looking through Bucky’s drawers and closets until he finds proof of pornography consumption, but then someone’s clearing their throat behind him.

“Jesus, how do you--” Peter exclaims, because it’s nowhere near the first time this six foot hunk of a man has snuck up on him. Then, he glances at the clunky computer in his lap that is obviously not his, and back at Bucky, who’s looking at the laptop, and then at Peter.

“What’re you doin’ with my computer?”

Peter panics, not because Bucky seems upset, because he doesn’t, just - confused, but it’s such a weird thing to be doing, and he can’t lie at all, and this isn’t--

“Does that say porn?” Bucky asks, suddenly leaning over Peter’s shoulder, and he just sounds amused, but Peter goes on the defensive anyway.

“I-It’s just, you never, and I - this isn’t me wanting you to change, or--”

Bucky moves quickly when Peter starts that familiar stress-ramble; he circles around the couch, puts the plastic bag filled with food down on the coffee table and sits next to him, wrapping an arm around his back and shushing him kindly.

“Slow down, doll.” Bucky smiles, sincerity etched in his crow’s feet, “Can’t understand you when you’re talkin’ too fast, remember?”

Peter stops. He nods, then he takes a breath. When he lets it go, Bucky tells him to take a deeper one, so he does, and as he breathes it out, he feels the alarm fade.

Not completely, though. Not with the evidence of his snooping in his lap.

With a glance back at where porn is still typed out in the recycle bin’s search bar and a chuckle, Bucky asks, almost laughing, “What were you doin’, sweetheart?” 

Peter doesn’t expect it, but the fight drains from his body. It’s him accepting his fate, he realizes belatedly.

“I, uh,” Peter pauses, because it’s still so difficult to say the words, “was looking for porn.”

Bucky laughs for real this time, and Peter closes his eyes with a sigh. That wasn’t what he meant to say, at all.

“No - I was looking for y-your porn, like, what you watch,” Peter explains, and Bucky is still laughing, but he waves a hand.

“Yeah, I got that.” He says, making an effort to curb his laughter, “Why, though?”

Peter bites his lip. "Do you watch porn?”

He was scared that meeting Bucky’s question with a question would frustrate the man, but he only looks more amused.

“Why would I?”

Huh?

“What?”

“Why would I watch porn?” Bucky sounds genuinely confused, “We have sex almost everyday.”

Almost, Peter nearly stresses, but catches himself. Obviously, he’s dramatically misread the situation. 

“Y-Yeah, but,” Peter tries to come up with something, anything, “like, maybe, before we dated?”

“I know it’s kinda old, but I got the thing not too long before we met, actually.”

That bit of information also sends Peter reeling, and he almost argues about it - because the laptop isn’t 'kinda old,' it’s ancient - but Bucky speaks before he does.

“Were you lookin’ for the kinda porn I’m into?”

Peter nearly sags with relief. How does he always manage to get it before Peter has to explain? 

“Yeah.”

Bucky’s smile shifts, and it’s - he likes that, Peter notices, and, it’s - it's sexual.

“What, did you wanna tease me?” Bucky licks his lips, “Rile me up?”

Oh. That works, and it’s pretty true, even. Peter can work with that.

He nods. Bucky continues, and he looks so pleased.

“It’s you, sugar,” Bucky brings his hand to Peter’s cheek, and his hold is so gentle, but the calluses are rough, and it’s such a satisfying dichotomy that Peter can’t help but lean into it, “You get me wild.”

If only. Peter’s never seen him be wild. 

But he couldn’t say that. Not when Bucky sounds like he absolutely means it, and it makes Peter’s heart flutter.

Peter has been a bit weird lately. 

Well, Peter is always a bit weird, but it’s a part of his charm. He’s been acting extra weird lately, Bucky’s noticed, and while it’s just as endearing, it’s confusing, too.

He almost calls Peter out on it after he’s found him searching for porn on his computer - more than he had already, anyway - but he just gets so tense when Bucky tries to make him really talk about something. He doesn’t want to bring up that energy - not so late, anyway. 

So Bucky plans to talk to him about it tomorrow.

And Peter thwarts that plan as soon as they wake up. Usually, he’s eager to spend the last day of their shared weekend off together, but before they’ve even had their coffee, Peter’s rushing out the door with the excuse of meeting up with his college friends at a cafe. Not too long later he texted they were going to do an impromptu study group for an upcoming quiz, then, after five hours, texted him they were going to hang out more.  

Bucky tries not to be suspicious of or retaliatory to Peter even more than he’s learned to be with his partners, because the kid’s not had a great track record with boyfriends, to say the least, but this is ridiculous. When he’s been gone for a whole seven hours, under the guise of shoddy excuses, Bucky decides his curiosity needs to be sated more than Peter needs to be coddled, and his new plan is to snoop into Peter’s computer like the kid tried with him. Obviously, if he assumed Bucky would have porn on his laptop, Peter’s got some on his. 

Bucky doesn’t plan to look until Peter texts that he’s on his way home, though. He thinks it’ll be funny if the kid finds himself where Bucky stood last night.

So, after Peter texted that he’s omw, Bucky pulls out his computer. It’s so sleek, thin and light, yet wide, and he hates using it, but he’s dying to know. How much porn could Peter possibly watch, considering how much they have sex, and how busy he’s kept as a student and part-time employee?

Not very much, Bucky assumes.

And holy fuck is he wrong.

He takes a wild guess and searches porn in the convenient - but too bulky, and ugly - search engine in the toolbar, and a stupidly obviously labeled folder, not porn don’t look, comes right up. There’s several subfolders - distinguishing the videos by kink, dear God - and dozens of videos in most of them, over a hundred in a few.

What the fuck.

Bucky’s surprised - Jesus Christ, so surprised - at so many things, but - where the fuck does Peter find the time to watch so much porn? What does it mean that he’s amassed such a collection? How has Bucky never walked in on him watching it? Is there a way to see how many hours of it there are, because it’s a stupidly high amount, definitely--

Bucky takes a breath. He leans back, too, because the little previews are too much to look at, and he takes a moment to appreciate just how understandable it was that Peter was so confused yesterday. It must be unthinkable, to not watch porn, to him. But - Peter’s never even mentioned porn before, not in the half-a-year they’ve been dating, so what was so different about yesterday?

The question has Bucky sitting back up, ready to delve deeper. He starts by reading the names of the folders closer, finding it’s not just organized by kink, but by his favorite pornstars, too. The kid’s got several, all with typical pornstar names, and according to the previews, he’s got a type for big and buff. Checks out.

With another deep, grounding breath, Bucky clicks on the folder name Ultimate Favorites. It’s only got thirteen videos in it, but all the titles are a fuckin’ doozy. It’s shit like Small Twink Fucked Hard, and Daddy Pounds His Boy Until He Cries, and - Jesus fuck - Dom Verbally Abuses Sub While Anally Abusing Him. 

Bucky’s nauseous just reading that last one. He never would’ve guessed Peter was into such rough sex. Not just because the kid gets all wide-eyed and stuttery whenever sex is even mentioned, but because Peter’s just so - soft. In all the ways a person can be, really.

Bucky doesn’t know how to reconcile what he knows Peter to be like with this new information about him. He distantly knows that he doesn’t have to - that Peter’s kinks don't reflect anything about his personality, and acting like they do is only reductive - but the instinct is so strong, he can’t help but fruitlessly try.

Before he can reconsider, Bucky’s clicking on one of the more mildly titled videos - not that any of them are mild at all - just to understand better what Peter’s so into. 

The video loads almost immediately, and it doesn’t waste time with any kind of introduction - there’s suddenly two men on the screen, their size difference resembling Bucky and Peter’s to a ridiculous degree, and the larger one pushes the smaller onto a bed carelessly before climbing on top of him. It’s a bunch of shoving and aggressive groping along with cruel words and name calling, and Bucky’s never been more turned off in his life. He can’t believe this porno is among Peter’s favorites - his boyfriend’s never once let on that this is the kind of sex he’s into.

While he’s staring, Bucky’s on screen lookalike finally quitting with the rough teasing and moving onto the brutal fucking, he hears Peter enter his apartment. Bucky doesn’t mute the video, and Peter’s light footsteps stop immediately. Bucky can just see the look on his face - that caught-in-the-headlights one that makes Peter look more like a deer than Bucky thought a person could - and he stifles a laugh as the steps pick back up, this time much more hesitant. When Peter’s a good foot into the living room, Bucky turns around, acting as if he hadn’t heard him coming in.

With the computer filling the room with sounds of slapping and exaggerated moans, Bucky greets, struggling to keep a smirk off his face,  “Hi, honey. How was your day?”

Peter doesn’t answer him and - yep, there’s that look. Instead, he gapes like a fish at where his computer is steadied on Bucky’s lap, eyes wide and frantic.

“Why’d you never mention this, doll?” Bucky asks, dropping the act as Peter keeps looking like disaster is seconds away. He pauses the video and sets the laptop to the side, motioning for Peter to join him on the couch.

Peter does join him, albeit uncertain and his eyes still trained on the graphic image on the computer screen. He’s quiet as he sits as far as he can from Bucky.

“I--” Peter starts, gaze transfixed on the laptop. “Can you - close that?”

Bucky does. Peter keeps looking at it.

“You okay?” Bucky asks, chuckling.

Peter finally looks at him. He seems scared, Bucky realizes. He closes a bit of the distance between them, leaving some incase Peter feels suffocated, and puts a hand on the back of his neck, a touch Peter always leans into.

He does this time, too. He relaxes some, and Bucky prompts, “Were you scared to tell me?”

Peter relaxes even more, his shoulders falling. He nods. “I know you probably don’t care--”

Bucky interrupts to confirm with a nod of his own, “I don’t.”

“But it’s just--” Peter huffs, eyebrows furrowing, “Embarrassing.”

Bucky nods more. “It doesn’t change how I think about you.” He reassures Peter, “At all.”

“That's good.” Peter breathes, and Bucky can’t help but laugh softly. “I was starting to think it would gross you out.”

It kinda does, but Bucky doesn’t say that. It isn’t important how the porn he’s into makes Bucky feel. 

“No, baby. It doesn’t.”

Peter leans into his side, and Bucky shifts to embrace him. Silence attempts to settle around them, but Bucky can’t help his need to tease.

“So… where’d you find the time to make such a collection?” 

Peter cringes. “I, uh, started it years ago.”

Bucky raises his eyebrows. He doesn’t know why he didn’t assume that - it’s a seriously massive collection - but thinking of how far back years suggests, and how Peter is just twenty-two, he can’t help but ask for clarification.

“How many years you talkin’?”

“Uhh…” Peter trails off, seeming to really think about it. Bucky can see the moment he finds the answer, and his expression closes.  “...several.”

Bucky decides to wager a guess. He doesn’t really know why he wants to know this answer, but he thinks it might help him understand just how into kink Peter is.

“Sixteen?”

Peter whines. “Jamie.”

Bucky’s eyes widen. “Fifteen?”

Peter pulls away a bit to cover his face with his hands, and he whines unintelligibly this time.

“Christ, it wasn’t younger than thirteen, was it?”

Peter shakes his head. “N-No, I--” His words are muffled by his palms,  “I was fourteen.”

Bucky breathes a sigh of relief. Peter can’t lie for shit, so Bucky can tell he isn’t just appeasing him. 

Then it hits him just how long Peter’s been fantasizing about this kind of sex.

“You’re really into this stuff, huh?”

Peter burrows further into his hands. Bucky rubs his back, and considers his next words carefully.

“If you want, we could explore some of the tamer stuff you have in there.” 

Peter drops his hands from his face and he looks excited for all of two seconds. Then, his expression falls. “None of it’s… tame. I mean, I guess--” Peter cuts himself off to cough, wincing as he tries to get the words out, “uh, im-impact play isn’t, you know, hardcore, I guess.”

“Spanking and stuff?”

“...and stuff.” Peter says with a flush. 

“We’ll start with spanking,” Bucky laughs, adding just in case, “if you want to.”

But it wasn’t necessary, because Peter brightens immediately. 

“Really?”

“Yeah, really.” 

Peter smiles wide, and Bucky can’t help but return it with one of his own.

[tinyboxxtink]

"Weird Secret Friends" *Chapter 12*

Chapter 11

(i fucked this up by editing on my phone and now I have to post the next chapter link like this. )

Whoooo buddy! The angst is REAL, y'all.

I apologize for this, but also I really don't. And I made it normal length to make up for that short shitty one earlier.

Enjoy!!!! Mwahahahahha

Tag List

@madamsnape921

@lolliepopsicle

@chasingeverybreakingwave

@milkshqke

@wanniiieeee

@word-scribbless

@gibbs274

@sassyada

@aprildecker-blog

@bookishfanfic

@stars-in-the-skies-world

@stars-trash-18

@omgsuperstarg

@objection-argumentative

@thatesqcrush

@shittanyy

@mrsrafaelbarba

---------

It seemed like forever for the ambulance to get there, Rafael just sat there trembling and crying while you started to convulse in his arms. Finally the door busted open and EMT’s threw you on a gurney and took you downstairs. Rafael sprinted behind them and jumped in the back of the ambulance as it sped away.

“Y/N….Carino please, please don’t die on me…” Rafael stroked your hair as you were hooked up to oxygen and anti drug meds. It was like literal hell having to watch this all over again, even worse that it was someone he actually...loved.

“Please, please don’t die…” He looked up to the sky.

----------------

Rafael paced the hospital waiting area furiously, they wouldn’t let him go back with you once the ambulance got you both there. When he saw Sonny running up the hallway towards him, he grabbed him by the neck and shoved him up against the wall.

“I TOLD YOU!!!!” He screamed violently, while several nurses ran over and pulled them apart.

“Rafael! Jesus Christ--” Sonny was breathing heavily while he tried to recover from Rafael’s ambush.

“I told you something was wrong, I told you I knew her better than you did!” He tried to wrestle away from the nurses.

“Okay I’m sorry, I’m sorry alright?!” Sonny yelled, tears starting to fill his eyes. “I should have listened to you--”

“You’re god damn right you should have!!!” Rafael continued to scream.“ She could die right now, do you realize that?”

“Of course I realize that!” Sonny screamed back while looking around them, trying not to make a scene.

“God dammit Carisi, she knew better than you. Why didn't you listen to her?!” Rafael was beginning to cry; he was so upset.

“Barba I--” Sonny started to apologize.

“Excuse me, is Miss Y/L/N’s family here?” An orderly came out from the back.

“I am!” Sonny forgot about Rafael and ran over to the man, Rafael did the same.

“I’m sorry sir but this is really just a family conversation--” He started to dismiss Rafael, but Sonny put his hand up.

“He’s fine,” He assured the doctor.

“Right, well--” He cleared his throat as he led them to a more quiet area. “The damage to Y/N’s body is pretty bad,”

“....God,” Sonny muttered, putting a hand over his forehead.

“The mouthwash has several chemicals that aren’t in traditional grain alcohols, mostly lethal. And her pancreas, liver and gallbladder were already severely damaged from the years of alcohol abuse,” He explained as he looked gravely between the two men.

“No…” Rafael put his hands over his face.

Flashbacks of a very similar conversation happening between a doctor and his mother filled his mind. The way his mother fell against the wall when she heard the doctor say there was a good chance his father was never waking up.

“How bad is it, doc?” Sonny’s voice quivered, and Rafael instinctively took his hand.

“Well, we had to completely remove the gallbladder, and parts of her pancreas so she’s most likely going to develop diabetes,” He further explained. “...And she most likely will need a liver transplant, depending on how the next 24 hours go,”

“Christ…” Sonny whipped his hand from Rafael’s touch and put both of his hands over his head while he paced.

“Can we see her?” Rafael asked.

“Yes, you know your daughter is very lucky to be alive,” The doctor informed them.

“...Excuse me?” Sonny asked while he and Rafael exchanged confused looks.

“...Are you two not her dads?” The doctor waved his pen between the two men.

“Oh my god,” Rafael muttered in horror, wanting to vomit right there.

“Uh, no sir-- no we’re not,” Sonny shook his head. “I’m her uncle and this is my partner,”

“Excuse me?!” Rafael practically screamed in disgust.

“...Do you want them to let you back there to see her or not, honey?” Sonny said through his teeth.

“Right,” Rafael nodded uncomfortably, taking Sonny’s hand once more. “We’re her...Uncles,” He tried not to grimace.

“Oh, right. So sorry sirs,” The doctor apologized once more as he led your “Uncles” to the room you were in. You were unconscious, but breathing on your own.

“She might be out a while from the meds, if you’d like to come back tomorrow,” The doctor informed them once more.

“Uh, I think we’ll wait at least for a little while, if you don’t mind doc,” Sonny replied while Rafael walked up to your sleeping body and just stroked your hair lovingly.

“Whatever you two want to do is fine with me,” He nodded. “I have other patients to see, if you’ll excuse me,”

Sonny nodded to him and he walked out of the room leaving the three of you alone. Sonny ran his hands through his hair while Rafael pulled a chair up next to your bed, still stroking your hair.

“...Barba I think you should leave,” Sonny said softly.

“...What?” He laughed. “Are you...are you fucking joking me, Carisi?”

“No look,” He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you, I’m sorry I didn’t hear her. And I’m sorry that I just...gave up, protecting her,”

“Yeah well--”

“But I hear you now, and-- and she’s going to need to go away,” He looked at your sleeping body sadly.

“She’s in no shape to go anywhere, Carisi,” Rafael clutched your hand as if he was protecting you.

“Not now, no,” Sonny agreed. “But when she’s better--”

“We don’t know if she’s going to get better!” Rafael suddenly stood up and walked towards him; Sonny backed up as he approached, afraid Rafael was going to grab him again.

“Even more reason you shouldn’t be here!” Sonny argued.

“What?”

“Barba look,” He cautiously put a hand on Rafael’s shoulder. “I...I get that you two have some kind of-- I don’t know, connection,” He glanced at you.

“But it doesn’t change the fact that you barely know her, and she barely knows you. You have a job and a life waiting for you tomorrow, you can’t be sitting here sitting vigil for some girl you slept with once,”

“How dare you fucking say that to me, Carisi,” Rafael’s eyes narrowed as he snapped his shoulder from Sonny’s grasp.

“How fucking dare you. First you don’t want me anywhere near her, then you tell her she’s nothing to me, then suddenly you think that I’m in love with her, and-- and now that I’m finally...attached to her-- you want me to just leave her alone again?”

“No, I never wanted you near her because of this exact situation!” Sonny hissed, trying not to wake you. “I told you straight up that she was complicated, and that you weren’t about that life,”

“I am about that life-- I’m serious, about her,” Rafael corrected himself, rolling his eyes at the terms Sonny used.

“Well I don’t think you should be,” Sonny crossed his arms.

“This is the jealousy thing again, isn’t it?” Rafael licked his lips angrily. “You and your stupid ego can’t stand the fact that we--”

“That is NOT it Rafael and you fucking know it,” Sonny narrowed his eyes.

“Then what is it?” Rafael crossed his arms. “It’s clearly not because it’s too much for me, because I’m flat out telling you it’s not,”

“Rafael--” Sonny placed his hands over his face. “I have spent my life protecting this girl, okay? And I may have dropped the ball here, but that just means that I will sure as hell not do it again. And that means that I have to have her best interest at heart,”

“What does that even mean?” Rafael looked at him quizzically.

“Her whole world is different now, Barba!” Sonny gestured to you. “You heard the doc. She has no gallbladder, whatever the fuck that means, she will probably get diabetes, god knows what will happen even if she needs a liver transplant, but my guess is it ain’t good!”

“...Well she won’t be able to drink alcohol,” Rafael said softly.

“Which will make her sobriety that much more urgent and permanent, Barba,” Sonny stepped towards your bed.

“She’s gonna have a long hard road ahead of herself no matter which way this goes right now, and keeping her on track is the only way she is gonna get through it. You think she’s gonna be able to focus on anything but you if you stay here?”

“I can help her--” Rafael insisted, glancing down at your innocent sleeping face. It broke his heart you were hurting, now all he wanted to do was take care of you and make sure you never hurt again.

“You don’t have the time or the freedom to do that, Rafael,” Sonny said sternly. “And you know it,” Sonny’s statement brought him back to reality.

“And you do?” He looked back up at Sonny.

“I’m a detective, Barba. It’s not like I do that much,” Sonny shrugged. “And I have enough PTO for a bit to take care of her. And she’s my responsibility! She’s MY family, Liv will understand that. What she won’t understand is you sitting Shiva at some young girl’s bedside who you barely know,”

“....And what are you going to do when she gets better?” Rafael ran a finger down your bare arm, wishing you would wake up and stop this nonsense your cousin was spewing.

“I’ll ask around,” Sonny now sat next to your bed. “I’ll find her a good place, somewhere she can be taken care of the right way, not some creepy mental hospital,”

“...Alright fine,” He sighed, looking at his watch. It was getting late, and he had an early court date.

“I’m coming back--”

“No, you’re not,” Sonny shook his head. “Look I promise you if she gets worse and needs your emergency liver or kidney or somethin’, I’ll let you know. Other than that, just-- leave her be,”

Rafael flashed back to the last time Sonny had used those words, and how as soon as he agreed, you heard him and it destroyed you. He couldn’t do that again, what if you could still hear him?

“No, I’m coming back--”

“Barba if you come back here I’m gonna tell the nurses that we broke up and you are no family member of hers,”

“You,” He shook his head. “You wouldn’t do that--”

“If it keeps you away from her, I’ll do anything right now Barba, I’m sorry,” Sonny gave him a sympathetic look.

“...She’ll never forgive you for this, Carisi,” He warned Sonny. “When she finds out you kept us apart she will never forgive you,”

“What are you Romeo and Juliet all of a sudden, counselor?” Sonny scoffed. “Give me a friggin break. I’m sure she’ll get over it, when she’s clean and sober and thinking straight,”

“I’ll never forgive you for this,” he growled with a death glare.

“...Yeah, well--” Sonny stood up and started escorting Rafael out the door. “I guess that’s something I’ll just have to live with,”

Rafael glared at him once more before turning on his heels and stomping down the hall, just as you stirred from your med nap.

“Sunshine?” Sonny quickly ran to your bedside.

“Rafa..?” You sleepily asked, you swore you heard his voice just moments ago.

“It’s Sonny,” He nervously looked back at the door, making sure Rafael hadn’t heard you wake up and came running in again.

“Oh,” You blinked several times, trying to get your vision back. When the blur in your pupils resolved, you saw Sonny’s smiling face beaming at you.

“Hey there,” He kissed your forehead. “You scared the shit outta me there, Sunshine,”

“...I’m so sorry, Sonny,” You began to cry in remorse.

“Hey hey hey,” Sonny took you in his arms and shushed you while he rocked you. “Shh shh shh, you’re alright. I’m sorry I didn’t hear you when you were asking for help, I just--I just let you go,”

“...But Rafael didn’t,” You sniffled as you looked around the room for him. “Where is he?”

“He uh--” Sonny stammered. “He left, Sunshine. Early court meeting tomorrow, y’know. Lawyer stuff,”

“Right,” You nodded.

“...He said he wouldn’t be coming back,” Sonny added with a sympathetic look.

“What?” You blinked in disbelief. Had he really just taken off? Without even saying goodbye?

“Well it’s just,” Sonny took your hands. “Honey you’re-- you’re gonna have a lot to go through these next few weeks, maybe months. And Rafael--”

“He doesn’t have time for that,” You finished for him, accepting the truth.

“Yeah,” Sonny nodded slowly.

“Right,” You picked at your blanket as you stared down at it morosely. “Well, I guess I shouldn’t have expected anything more than him dropping me here. He tried telling me that he was--”

“He was what?” Sonny quirked an eyebrow. You thought about telling him that Rafael had said he was in love with you, but you weren’t entirely sure that happened anymore, given how out of it you were at the apartment.

“...He was ready for a relationship,” You lied. “But I guess he wasn’t ready for a dumpster fire of a girlfriend,”

“You’re not a dumpster fire, Sunshine,” Sonny assured you.

“...Yeah clearly this doesn’t scream ‘damaged goods’,” You gestured to all the wires you were hooked up to.

“You’re not--” Sonny sighed and shook his head as he wrapped his arms back around you. “You’ll find someone,”

“...Not someone like him,” You whispered sadly, tears dripping down onto your IV tube.

“Well hey,” Sonny coughed as he tried to change the subject. “I better get goin’ make sure you get some good sleep,”

“...But I was just--” You tried to say you had been sleeping this whole time.

“I’ll come check on you tomorrow, kay?” Sonny kissed your head and started heading towards the door. He hated to do this, but he had to keep you safe. He turned around and gave you a sad smile.

“Hey, Sunshine?”

“Yeah, Son?”

“I uh, I don’t wanna rub it in or nothin’, I just--” Sonny cleared his throat. “Barba wanted me to tell you not to contact him anymore,”

“...Oh,” You looked over at your phone, which was charging on the table next to your bed.

“He just thought it would be easier, y’know? Clean break and all,” Sonny lied with a sad smile.

“Yeah, sure no of course,” You nodded, trying to keep it together.

“Alright well, I’ll see ya,” He nodded one more time before shutting the door, leaving you alone.

You immediately grabbed your phone and began typing a message to Rafael, telling him how you were sorry and that you never should have tried to kick him out, and that he saved your life and that you knew you were a huge mess, but that you would clean yourself and do everything in your power to be good enough for him if he just let you--and you just stared at it.

You re-read it a thousand times, tears streaming down your cheeks. You couldn’t send this, it was pathetic. He already made his choice, he tried to tell you he loved you and you had blown him off by almost dying in his arms. And he ran. You couldn’t blame him either, you’d run away faster than a Kenyan track star if you were him.

After going through all that bullshit with his dad, he’d never want to relive that with you, some girl he barely knew. There was no way. And begging him to come back to you after all the shit you said to him at your apartment was just pitiful.

You deleted the message and then started to delete his contact info, but you knew you needed to be drastic. If it was a clean break he wanted, you’d have to give it to him. You’d already put him through way too much stress and punishment than he deserved, you had to be stopped. You highlighted his number and hit “BLOCK NUMBER”, before deleting it from your phone.

There. Now there was no way you could find him, or vice versa. Clean break. You put the phone down next to you and laid down, realizing what you had just done. You had just deleted the potential love of your life from your existence, forever. You cried yourself to sleep, only dreaming of Rafael.

=============

Rafael laid down in his bed after getting home and showering the bad day off of him. He opened the text thread of your messages, and saw the ellipsis light up, signaling that you were typing. It was there for a long time, he became more and more anxious as they just flashed in the darkness, taunting him. He was so happy you were okay, he had to tell you what Sonny said but that he would never be able to keep him from you. He waited and waited, and then the dots were gone. He waited a moment for you to send it, but soon got impatient and just texted you

“Y/N I’m so glad you’re okay, you had me so worried. I miss you,”

He hit SEND, but was met with the most horrifying response:

“The number you have texted has blocked you from contacting them.”

“No…” He muttered alone in the dark. “No, this can’t be happening,”

Did Sonny have your phone? Did he do this? Did he tell you something to make you do this? Did you do this on your own when you realized he had left. Sonny had to have told you something bad, something diabolical. He had no way of contacting you now, and he would never get into the hospital to see you.

What was going on?

-------------

The next morning after his court session, Rafael headed over to the precinct to talk to Sonny. He practically sprinted through the door into the bullpen, to find it empty.

“...Where’s the SVU squad?” Rafael asked a cop at the front desk.

“Do I look like a concierge, Barba?” The cop rolled his eyes. “Does my badge say ‘doorman’? I don’t keep tabs on you people!”

“Thanks Louie,” Rafael rolled his eyes as he walked out of the station, dialing Sonny’s number on his phone.

“Hello?”

“What did you do?”

“Barba?”

“What did you do, Carisi?!”

“What do you mean?”

“Y/N blocked my number,”

“Well good--”

“NO, not good. Carisi. What did you say to her?”

“Y’know Barba, maybe you should take the hint and move on,”

“Oh fuck you, Carisi,” He growled into the phone. “I’m going to the hospital,”

“Yeah well, good luck getting in here counselor,” Sonny shook his head with a small laugh, glancing over at you in your room, while he stood outside. “I’ve told the nurses you were a deadbeat dad who wanted to kidnap our niece for yourself, so they’re on alert not to let you anywhere near her,”

“You’re evil,” His voice was low and horrified.

“I’m doing what’s best for my baby cousin, Barba. If that makes me the bad guy, so be it,” Sonny spoke like a mob boss, tracing the glass on the window to your room.

“I’ll see her when she gets out,” Rafael sneered.

“Well that might be difficult, seeing as I’ve found her a very nice place to go as soon as she gets outta here. Somewhere far away from here, and you,” Sonny couldn’t help but smirk.

“No, Carisi don’t do this,” Rafael became desperate, his angry threats turned to pathetic pleas. “Please don’t send her away-- I love her,”

“If you love her you’ll let her go, Rafael,” Sonny simply said, ending the call before Rafael could say anything else.

“GOD DAMMIT!!!!” Rafael screamed in the middle of the foot traffic, making people turn and stare at him.

He had to fix this. He couldn’t let you leave thinking he didn’t want you. He couldn’t lose you, not now. Not after everything.

Was he going to lose you forever?

[sometipsygnostalgic]

adventure time wizard city liveblog

 well here we go

my last adventure time liveblog, i havent actually done one of these in MANY years... probably not since 2014

this takes place at the same time as obsidian?

DID-- DID CHOOSE GOOSE JUST DIE

DID BUFO JUST KILL CHOOSE GOOSE

yeah i know that’s bufo, they only made it enormously obvious, tsk tsk

@spaceacepearl​ joked about us seeing choose goose get sent to hell but i diDNT EXPECT IT TO HAPPEN

This music is i assume by one of the many musical artists Adam Muto listed on twitter, it rocks. It’s not as hardcore as Obsidian’s intro, but it’s suitably chill for the scene. 

“get offa my bus kid”

Those wizards in the left and far right groups appear to be new! 

OH MY GOD--

HELP?????? NEW PROFILE PIC TIME

HAHAHAHAH

THE MUSICAL CON DID ME GOOD, I DID REALLY LOUD AUDIBLE LAUGHTER

i bet hanna and co had fun making these signs

my favourite is the cat with “FAMILIARS HAVE RIGHTS”

cadorka..... wow

We’re not even four minutes into the ep and peppermint butler has already killed someone in front of a large group of witnesses

“this smells of DARK MAGIC” “yall kids know thats illegal right” peps watches the other kids nod before later joining in, LOL

i cant believe pep started the great gum wars and got killed by golb

SOMEONE has been playing Overwatch... 

i-- i still cant believe choose goose is fucking dead

how long was he stuck in hell for, or was that recent to together again after new death showed up 

i have to admit im not a big fan of spader, too perfect, and not in that funny way either. i hope they give him some characteristics that make him stand out. 

im getting flashbacks to OK KO and Owl House here...

Cadebra using music is a reference to Abracadaniel’s love of interpretetive dance in Play Date. 

“they only laugh because youre different” “i know” “SO STOP BEING DIFFERENT” oh my god it’s like talking to my own parents cadebra is actually... a LOT like me, less in her hyperactivity but more in her nonchalant enthusiasm and almost acceptance of the inevitable bullying because it means more time in people’s consciousness

ahhh - it’s quietly revealed here that she is responsible and a skilled magician, she is just bored of magic! i like that she parents abracadaniel instead of being downtrodden by his ramblings. 

PEP NO--- oh i see the problem, he hasn’t got his Bug Milk... sorry Martin Olsen fans, no Hunson today. At least we get one more Phil Face for the road! 

candy people in their natural habitat

Ahhh that’s Doctor Calidoneus! The voice actor was at the recent Distant Lands panel alongside Pep and Blaine’s actors. 

“pretty sure hes just trashcandy” - i like you, sassy antler lady

the mystery of how he gets clothes

and once again spader is proving to be the most irritating distant lands character of the lot, there is no subversion here. where is the subversion?  

NANI

what is going on here? are pep and peppermint the same person or not? im sure they must be, but there is something going on here with peppermint butler’s soul being trapped in the body of his child self who hasn’t got the same memories. 

OH, HYNDEN WALCH DID A NEW LINE yes this is what im here for, special over 

peppermint butler cursed himself... of course he did - Shado was correct!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHAT THE FUCK

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

ROCK STUDENT, BLESSED ROCK STUDENT, WAS THAT POOR GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE A JAWBREAKER

love the reference to astral plane, of course pep cant astrally project because cursed pep is still inside of him 

wow, blaine, wow

they have a crush

LITTLE DUDE! COLE SANCHEZ!

i love the dynamic between cadebra and abracadaniel, imo so far it’s the heart of the special. im not really gripped by peppermint butler’s school troubles. i imagine someone else probably will be but i want to run past that shit as far as possible. 

TRDGFYGHJH

WE

WE MADE  A PREDICTION THAT WAS JUST LIKE THIS

PEPPERMINT BUTLER GETTING TURNED INTO THE FOUR COMPONENTS OF PEPPER MINT BUTT LURE WAS IN THE WIZARD CITY PREDICTIONS ART DRAW THAT HASNT BEEN POSTED YET

ILL SHOW YOU WHEN NICK POSTS THE VIDEO and then ill tell you who made the prediction because i... think it was nick himself, insanity 

who plagiarized finn’s signature???

turns out pep really DID take over wizard city!!!!

i love this band

i understand your pain peps

you probably have a bit too much in common with your mother, and i imagine it isn’t easy being turned into a kid and not being able to do stuff that came so easy. you’re disappointing yourself! (he’s literally disappointing himself)

I’m less than halfway through the special, what the fuck. I wasn’t wrong when I said Wizard City had a lot on its plate. It’s noit that I’ve been particularly gripped up to this point, though to be fair I didn’t pause at all during the other specials barring Obsidian. 

that... that poor kid is still a rock

and then the preview happened and bufo casually revealed to the audience that, yes, he killed choose goose

i dont know whats happening with pep but it seems he needs to be exorcised of... pep. which is a shame. i hope they learn to coexist. 

i have to say the background work in this special is really good! like, really damn good. 

WH

WHAT

DID SPADER JUST DIE

IS THIS WHY PEOPLE THINK PEPBUT KILLED HIM 

oh thats right - abracadaniel is cadebra’s uncle! this must be abracadniels sister. sorry, folks, he doesn’t fuck. 

Where are they? Is this anywhere near Wizard City? It’s an unpopulated prewar wasteland. 

THESE ARE JUST HUMANS

OF COURSE SHE WANTS TO PERFORM TO MILQUETOAST HUMANS

my child

is this an art style choice or did they get the people from that one studio to make this

HANNA FINALLY GETS TO FULFIL HER DREAM OF INSERTING KANEDA INTO ADVENTURE TIME

the red jacket he wears and his head pill shape is a big kaneda reference actually, which i suppose makes sense considering he’s a rival to our protagonist, but it’s a bit on the nose

bufo killed one of his own students? but why????

“MY UNCLE’S A COP”

“no one likes a rat”

i actually really like blaine, though im confused. did their VA change halfway through the special?

HOW NATURAL, NO WASTE, IT IS AN ENDLESS CHAIN

did doctor caledonius steal the trophy,,,? 

EVIL SNAIL EVIL SNAIL

MONMSTER HUNJTER DISCOVERY NOISE, this time it’s a tetsucabra

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I HAVE QUESTIONS

god i wish this is what this special was about, i miss adventure time

these remind me of the comics with their art style :) i wonder who designed them? the one on the right with pb and pep, in particular, very comics-y. 

fdgfhgf because he’s like 500

“pep can be kind of a jerk but he wouldn’t kill anyone”

sorry, cadebra, i have news for you

is doctor calednoius the true villain? if bufo’s out of the picture, she MUST be, 

ANTS

oh no, he might gbe stuck in wizard city :( 

HELP

the writing on the wall...

SPADER LITERALLY FUCKING DIED OH YM JESUS CHRIST

PEPPERMINT BUTLER’S OWN CULT????

THIS IS JUST OK KO NOW

okay im not surprised all the teachers at wizard city are cultists in worship of peps, maybe they killed spader and bufo because they bullied peps T_T

wait no, they thought spader had the potential, but sadly not

HE FUCKING KILLED HIMSELF

sorry, i was distracted by the pretty dope fight sequence and now the special is over????

fucking jesse, hes probably at least partly responsible for the cult nonsense

This credits art is by Maya Petersen!!!! Holy shit it’s adorable!

LRETGFDRGTFGMHGFHFG

LEAF MAN

DO YOU THINK THEY PUT HIM IN RETROSPECTIVELY

DO YOU THINK MAYA PETERSEN DREW THIS AND ADAM PUT IT IN THE EP RETROSPECTIVELY

HE LIVES

MAYBE THIS IS WHY CHOOSE GOOSE WENT TO HELL

okay, it’s over :) 

first thoughts out of the way: not a big fan of this special. it’s like watching a completely different show. it’s not got the PZSHAHH of the normal wizard city stuff and there weren’t a lot of funny jokes or even hearty moments in the thing. 

it suffers from a lack of invested character interactions, much like BMO did. there was not a single main cast member in the whole thing! and like i said before, much of peppermint butler’s character in the show is based on his very sweet relationship to his mother, princess bubblegum, so when they showed a single (hilarious) photo of them together it made me sad we didn’t get any scenes with them together. it would have STOLEN this episode. and they teased the hunson golf photo, and death!!! and jake appeared in a photo T_T last jake appearance. 

it also suffers because Peppermint Butler is clearly not himself, imo he was way more entertaining in the Together Again special, where we seem him back to his “normal” self. 

i dont think peps being a dark wizard was something to “kill off” exactly. i wonder what was going on there? was that actually peps, or was that a spirit he cursed himself with based on himself? we at least know in the future he does become a dark wizard again, and even princess :) this special didn’t answer those questions but lol. 

THE GOOD STUFF, because yes, there was a lot of good stuff! 

God, I’m with Aracle and Maya on this - I LOVE Cadebra and her relationship to Pep. I wish she was even in more of this - I would love to watch the adventures of Cadebra and Pepbut in their first year of school, like in the end credits.

That, imo, is where the heart of the special lay - Peppermint Butler’s attempts to impress himself, versus Cadebra’s self acceptance and desire to follow her dreams of being a goofy goober, no matter what other people thought of her. 

It turned out that Cadebra is a responsible student and family member. I really liked that. Her scenes with Abracadaniel were, somehow, my favourite in the entire special! 

I like that theres a lot of cool magic towards the end of this special, and a lot of HORRIFYING DEATH. It wouldn’t be adventure time if you didn’t randomly kill off child characters. Poor Spader, I hated you but damn, what a grim fate. 

I like that Bufo and Caledonius had this crush/hatred thing going on, but they were part of the same cult in the end. 

I didn’t like the giant peps scene at the end, the monster was extremely milquetoast compared to the madness we usually get in AT. Obsidian, for example, had the awesome Larvo design. Nemesis had some INSANE dark magic!!!!  I wish they drew more from that episode. 

Considering how much Steve Little appears in this special, I do feel bad for Mace (little Peps). He said he would have really benefitted from coaching, but recieved none. He had to re-record his lines 3 times! Judging from his description of events, Wizard City was a hard time for him. 

The wizard school did remind me, heavily, of both The Owl House and OK KO. Personally I was hoping AT would offer me something more insane, but I do love both of those shows, and I know Wizard City was on a really tight schedule. 

I think they should have spent less time on the school bullying plot, and skipped straight to MURDER. 

We did have a cold opening, not on par with Together Again’s at all, but damn!

I am wondering where I would put this in the watch list? I do think it should sit after Obsidian as the third special. The intro scene makes it clear this takes place at the same time as Obsidian!!!

Well, that was it, the last ep of AT for the next few years at least T_T

i think together again was the better finale, definitely. but wizard city feels pretty detached from AT for me, despite the familiar characters it tonally isn’t like the show other than the awesome brutal death scenes. I thought the last 11 minutes was easily the best in the special! Which, honestly, is how it should be, though I do wish it gripped me more. Maybe I’m just not the target audience for Wizard City? It feels like something I would find very compelling if I was a bit younger! 

[tsuki-sennin]

It's a two-for-one special, folks! ...and it has nothing to do with the fact that I neglected my Pretty Cure watching the week before, nuh-uh!

Besides, 14 episodes minus 13 episodes is equal to like... 1 episode, right? This should count as 1 episode altogether~!

I'm pretty late for tonight since I already had dinner. Fast food. Not particularly good for you, but you make sacrifices for convenience, you know? Besides, a bit of Chinken Nunget does a man good!

Spoilers, I guess... con carne~! And uh... this might be a bit long, so...

Episode 13, dig in!

-Amane Get!

-What the hecc, two?

-Oh, twins. Yuan and Mitsuki. ...quite an unusual combination of names.

-I uh... very nearly assumed something I probably shouldn't have.

-Oh hi, Takumi-kun! I look forward to your increased relevance, Mr. "I'm prominent as hell in the opening!"

-"Does that gay dude summon monsters like a duelist?"

-Oh, epic, curry!

-Fishermen.

-Aw, dammit, that means both Takumi and Yui's hot moms aren't available!

-...though then again, both of their dads are pretty good lookin'...

-Man, traveling the world sounds wonderful...

-Don't embarrass your son about this, An!

-Boy, what kinda stiff-ass office chair is that?

-Ah, he's goin' for a while, huh?

-Ohhhh, Monpei! He's got a name card and everything, he must be important!

-Ohhhhhhhh, shoot!

-So, the Delicioustone has much more to it than.

-You're the chosen one, Taco Meat!

-Oh, you gotta look good for your Dad, huh man?

-Oh c'mon, Dad! Not you too!

-Oh... your name's Hikaru too, huh?

-Kome-Kome's taken

-Instant food. ...damn, that's wonderful... man...

-Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh

-Good thing I was raised by a single mom, otherwise I'd be personally disgusted on Takumi's behalf.

-Guess Takumi's walkin' around in the dark.

-Ohhhh, romance lore!

-Ooooooh, delicious~!

-...wait, he's four years younger than you!?

-Damn.

-OH GOD SHE WAS HIS BOSS TOO AGH

-Oh, he's got Organization coat.

-...WAIT

-Delicioustone, randomly showing u

-Oh I got it now, Rosemary's Monpei's brother, and thus Takumi's uncle! I'm calling it now! You can't beat me, Toei! I'm way too smart for this show made for young girls!

-Oh, that sucks, huh Yui-pyon?

-"Holy shit, I fucking love rice."

-C'mon buddy, say it!

-Aw... Yone...

-Whitebait rice~!

-Missed opportunity to call it the Radiopeppi.

-Yeah, you assholes have fun with that!

-Pretty boy going around dressed like an asshole.

-"Ugh... gross. People having fun."

-Man, he's just a proper bastard, huh?

-"Ah fuck, my fitbit's going off. I need to do my daily violence!"

-Ohhhhhhh, shit

-Yeah, I get it fully now. Ending businesses, erasing memories... the Bundoru Gang are real bastards.

-Aaaaand, off she goes.

-Narcistoru. Coolest Phantom Ever.

-"What a waste of his looks" PAMU M N

-You petty-ass bitch

-"Hah. Okay!"

-"C'mon! Motto Ubau-zo!"

-I can respect the flourish, at least.

-Go for it, Takumi!

-Oh wow, this went on a bit. Uh... not that I didn't expect it too, but

-Well, it's definitely way stronger now. With a cognomen like "Motto", I imagine it would be.

-Jesus Christ, that bastard microwave is speedy. ...is it a microwave, or like some kinda weird toaster oven?

-Ohhhhh, there he is!

-Aaaaand the babbies are free

-Well, I hope you're not so suspicious of Rosemary now.

-...not gonna show me your Delicioustone drip, huh buddy? I've been saving my thoughts on it until I see it in action! I promise I won't make fun of you!

-Well, no preview! Jumping straight into Episode 14!

-...Episode 14!

-Ah, I guess we're shelving the first dozen episodes' Grandma intro?

-Love's first taste~! Truly bittersweet...

-Heeeeey, look at you, Takumi!

-Rosemary takes great pride.

-...yeah, the opening's really a vibe. I

-Takumicchi! Can I call ya Takumicchi? Yeah, you've got a litte lady friend!

-"Good job! Gay Uncle Mari's proud of you!"

-Tomoe, huh?

-Salt and pepper...

-"Uhhhh , yeah, ketchup and mayo!"

-Pepper Man.

-Weeeeeell... that manner of conviction is admirable. You should probably get to know somebody a bit more before springing a question like that on them, though.

-"Egg."

-He didn't even get a chance lol

-Oh man,

-S

-SHE RAISED HER FUCKING FINGER AND QUOTED HER GRANDMA

-YUI NAGOMI

-FUKKIN TENDO

-I can't make any more jokes about Grandma Tendou. They fuckin' beat me!

-Those cheap bastards!

-No, I don't give a crap about Takumicchi's girl problems anymore, the joke has been run into the ground and I'm sad!

-Good for you, Ran-Ran.

-"Eat."

-Sweet. Sour. Fizzy. Refreshing. Melting.

-The innumerable

-Oh... Rosemary-san... I see...

-"Yeah, you wanna fuckin' eat that shit, huh Secretoru?"

-Bittersweet.

-Man, these two...

-There you are, Takumicchi!

-Ohhhh, he's serious.

-About the delicate subject of love, that is~!

-"WHAT MANNER OF PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE IS THIS?!"

-"Aaaaaah, young love~! How delightfully tempestuous and confusing~!"

-"Wow!"

-"Fuit gummy!"

-Ohhhhhh, there she is!

-Your sassy gay uncle is now besties with Sans Undertale.

-Ah, love's like that, eh Takumicchi?

-Amane Kasai will be just fine.

-"Ohhhh, goddammit, I can't believe I'm doing this..."

-Ohhh, egg pasta...

-The way it's presented here... I think I'd like to have it with a splash of hotsauce and Parmesan.

-Recibepis

-Memory Massacring!

-Hora!

-It's a... panini press? Mmm...

-Let's go, Takumicchi!

-...I just realized that I don't have an awful lot to say about Kokone this time around. ...uhhh, she's pretty kino. I'd love to see Spicy gets to something super cool sometime soon.

-Steampressed!

-Yeaaaah, good job, Spicy! Ask and ye shall receive.

-Mmmmmm... grilled sandwiches...

-Sammich...

-Hell yeah, Spicy, press that bitch!

-Shit's al dente!

-Steamed Rice.

-Is it he? Can he be?

-Oh trust me Mem-Mem, if you hit that panini press, the fight'd be over in seconds.

-Ohhhh there he is!

-Cinnamon~!

-Black Pepper!

-Black Pepper! ...a fairly simple design, to be sure, but damn do you make it work! I really like how antithetical it is to the Bundoru Gang.

-Seeing dudes do stuff in Pretty Cure's never not gonna be unappreciated.

-Punch.

-Yep, we won pretty handily.

-...soooooo, are we gonna keep this secret, Pepper Boy?

-Cook Fighter!

-"I respectfully decline, but I hope we can enjoy a long and fruitful friendship regardless."

-Real Chad move.

-The taste of first love is truly bittersweet. Let it out, Tomoe-chan. You got this.

-Man.

-Good work today, everybody! I realize this is a pretty long one, but hopefully we all had some fun!

-I can only imagine where we're going with the developments we've seen tonight.

-Pic-a-nic~!

-Ahhhhh, Kokone~! Hooray, Kokone focus~! I'm pleased as punch about this! Looking forward to Saturday~! ...for real this time, I promise.

[loudsuitlover]

Doctor Harry XIX. Cuarto movimiento: La realidad

A/N: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Preview

“You take off your clothes.” He whispers. “If you’re brave enough to wear that around me, you should be brave enough to undress yourself in front of me.” He smirks.

My eyebrows raise on my forehead and I give him a little smirk. He chuckles.

“D’you want a show?”

He grins as he nods, resting his back on the couch.

“And what do I get in return?”

“Oh, you’ll find out after the show.”

BLUE’S POV

Coco and I are late. When we enter the café, I tell the waitress Olivia’s name and she leads us to our table. The three of them are already sitting on the table and Ollie smiles relieved at our presence. She might be really hungry or maybe she just doesn’t know what to do about Marie and Jason.

They had a fight the other day. Apparently, it had to do with David Dick. Marie said something bad about it, also known as the truth, but Jason said she shouldn’t be talking about him to people who didn’t even known them. I have stayed out of this. No one has asked for my opinion either, thank God, so I’m just on backstage, waiting for them to make up.

The second Coco and I sit down, Ollie waves the waitress. She tells us we can think what we want while they order but I already know what I want anyway. A strawberry milkshake and the Nutella croissant. Coco orders a waffle and a vanilla milkshake and Marie gets surprised at our quickness. I just smile at her.

I tell them about the wedding while we eat and they keep swooning and making comments that make me blush. I show them the hundreds of pictures we got, for his mum and his cousin Laura had been stealing shots at us and also the photographer of the wedding thought it important to get pictures of the bride’s brother.

“Jesus Christ, he looked good.” Ollie says.

I laugh and she gives me a naughty smile.

“So do you, of course.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“No, seriously, Blue” Coco insists “you looked like a movie star.”

I don’t know how many times Coco’s seen the photos but she’s always been the supportive sister and ever since she’s in love, it’s just been something else. She’s so happy she has enough bliss to give the rest of us.

“Can you believe” Ollie says when she comes back from the loo “that I’ve forgotten to put on knickers?”

“What do you mean you’ve forgotten?” Coco laughs.

“I’m just not wearing any.” She shrugs.

“And you realize now?”

“When I went to the loo.”

Marie shakes her head with a smile and I chuckle at my friend’s careless being.

“Yeah and she would have been terribly late if I hadn’t called her.” Marie says. “It looks like she had a busy night with Mario.”

Olivia smiles.

“Right, because Adam and you were surely asleep at 9 pm.”

Jason laughs out loud.

“So Indie, what time did you go to bed last night?” He wiggles his eyebrows.

“Actually, pretty early. I think it was like 10 pm and I slept alone. In my own bed.”

“Oh, did Harry have work?”

“No” I chuckle “he was home, I guess. We don’t spend every minute together, you know?”

JJ shrugs.

“If I were with a man who could pull off a white fucking suit like Harry, I know I would be with him every minute.”

Then it’s me who shakes my head and laughs.

We haven’t been out all together since last week when we went shopping and even then, Jason wasn’t there so it feels like ages that we don’t just chat around and have something sweet together.

Marie tells us about her grandparent’s golden wedding too and we all drool over the pictures because they look so adorable.

“¡Madre mía, Marie!” My sister says. “You look so good too! Look at that red dress! Where was the red carpet, madam?”

Marie blushes and giggles and Jason smiles tenderly at my sister. I see the way Olivia’s looking at her, with her teasing smile, and I know Coco’s in for some Olivia jokes.

“Guido must be good.”

Coco’s confused eyes drift to Olivia’s.

“Or have a huge dick.”

My sister clicks her tongue and shakes her head giving our crazy friend a look but she just smiles.

“If it has anything to do with genetics” she starts “that should be the case.”

We all laugh and my sister’s cheeks tinge pink.

“Oh my God, it is!” Jason celebrates.

He seems so happy. He’s been laughing and joking around and even though sometimes he still gets a little into his own head, I reckon he’s gotta have to deal with a lot of thinking these next months. I remember when Javier and I broke up, it was like that for me too. Yet that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

I wish him and Marie would make up. They are good for one another. They complement each other like sweet and sour and I know Marie’s sorry. I can tell by the way she looks at him.

After breakfast, the five of us go shopping. I’m not a big fan of shopping, to be honest, I get headaches and hate trying clothes on but these guys love it so that’s what we’ll do. Coco and Ollie are a very dangerous duo. If it wasn’t for the rest of us, they’d be in debt by now.

They make Jason walk into Agent Provocateur even though he tries to remind us that he’s actually bisexual and can’t really give his opinion on this without getting killed.

“You can keep saying you’re bisexual, you know? But you’re gay, pal.” Olivia says.

“Again, the fact that I am not sexually attracted to you does not make me gay.” Jason smirks.

“No, I know, it’s the fact that you always look at guys.”

“I look at girls too. I just don’t tell you about it.”  

“And who exactly would kill you?” I tease him, changing Olivia’s crusade on making him gay. “Mario and Adam are teddy bears, Guido’s shorter than you and Harry’s not jealous.”

He laughs.

“D’you think Harry wouldn’t mind if I saw you in lingerie?”

“I don’t think so, no.”

Jason smirks. I know it might be hard for him to understand but he is a jealous guy. He knows that, we all do. But Harry isn’t or if he is he handles it like a master and I think that’s the most beautiful thing he could do for me. I never understood why my friends in high school thought when their boyfriends acted like cavemen was something to be happy about. I mean I never really understood that well-trodden thought “he’s jealous because he loves me.” No. “He deals with his own jealousy and lets me be free because he loves me.” That’s how I see it.

“Should we get the same set?” Ollie asks Coco. “You know, in order to surprise the Matteoti brothers.”

My sister blushes and giggles and Olivia grins.

“I hope to God they don’t talk about that to each other.”

Olivia giggles.

“I used to think every man did but I actually think Mario doesn’t.”

“And you’re offended by that?” I offer.

Jason walks towards us swaying his hips like Beyoncé placing a bra over his sweater and the knickers over his jeans and Coco laughs and rushes to his side to stop him. The two of them go to the “funny section” where the crazy lingerie sets are.

I see my sister laughing at whatever it is that crazy Jason is telling her about the outfits.

“No, I just don’t know how he’s still with me.” Ollie says.

I frown as I turn to look at her.

“Hey, guys, do you like these ones?” Marie shows us a red lace crazy knickers with holes where fabric should be.

“I have no idea how you put those on.” Ollie shrugs.

“What do you mean?” I interrupt her.

“I genuinely don’t know with these many holes, it’s-”

“No, I mean about Mario.”

“What about him?” Marie asks.

“She just said she doesn’t know why he’s still with her.”

“What?” Marie frowns.

We both look at Ollie, whose blue-grey eyes are busy with the underwear she’s holding.

“I just don’t know how someone that’s… such a saint can be with me.”

I look at Marie but she just shrugs and gives me her best pursed lips.

“I mean… You guys are very different but that doesn’t mean anything.”

“I like him.” Olivia confesses. “I really do, what I don’t like is to constantly feel like I’m waiting for the moment he realizes he doesn’t want to be with me.”

“Why do you say that?” Marie frowns. “I think it’s rather obvious that he’s crazy about you.”

“Yeah,” Ollie tilts her neck “now.”

“You are wonderful and it might not work out but that’s that. Every single relationship might not work out but that’s when you show you’re brave. If you get hurt, well, here we are for chocolate ice-cream or popcorn and movies.”

“Thank you,” she chuckles “but that’s not even what I meant. You guys know I’ve… Fucked around.”

“So?”

“Guys don’t like to thrust their dicks in a public hole.”

Her words freeze my blood. I hate that she thinks so low of herself and I hate society for putting that idea on her mind. I can’t pretend I understand her and I don’t know what I would think if I were her so as much as I want to tell her that’s silly, it might not be. I mean it certainly isn’t if it’s something she really thinks but also, I feel bad and I feel bad because I have been a part of that thought, unconsciously but I have.

I told Harry I didn’t want to be another notch on his belt. Isn’t that the same thing? Only, with men. But didn’t I somehow make him less worth it just because he had been with a lot of girls?

“Don’t you ever speak that way about yourself again.” Marie threatens her.

I am taken aback by her reaction but I let protective Marie take the lead her. I am foolishly speechless.

“I won’t even comment on how degrading and sexist the “public hole” thing is because what’s important here is that you are not a hole, Ollie, for goodness’ sake. Do you really think Mario sees you like that?”

“This is not about Mario.” Olivia defends him.

“Still, don’t insult him by thinking so little of him.”

“And don’t think so little of yourself either, Ollie.” I add. “Fighting sexism starts with oneself, don’t be sexist to yourself, let yourself be free, yeah? And just for the record, if Mario ever left you, it’s clearly his lost.”

“So clearly.” Marie adds.

Olivia just chuckles and wraps her arms around both our shoulders, pulling us into a hug in the middle of the underwear store.

I want to tell her to talk to Mario, to let him in and let him hear how she feels and what she thinks so he can have a chance at telling her the same things about himself but I couldn’t bring myself to be such a hypocrite. How could I tell my friends to talk to their boyfriends when I never do that with Harry?

I mean, we’re getting better or at least I think we are but there are still so many things to work on. I don’t want to hurt him and that means I don’t ever want to talk to him like I usually do. I’ve been thinking so hard about it, since that day he insulted me when we were having dinner at Bellamond. It sounded so terrible and it made me feel so little and unwanted and stupid so to think that’s how he’s felt every time I’ve done it makes me very angry with myself.

I’ve already seen how easy it really is to talk to him. I did at Marie’s house after I said those terrible things to him and he hasn’t made a big deal of it. So then I don’t understand why it is so hard for me to talk to him about what I think, how I feel and what I want… Because the truth is- I want him. He already knows that, I think, but I don’t think he knows how I really feel about him.

I would like to maybe text him right now and tell him I miss him, because it’s true, I do. I’ve barely seen him this week because he went on a congress from Monday to Wednesday and after that we’ve both been busy but I don’t know what’s holding me back. Am I really that scared of rejection?

I can’t get our fight on Marie’s house of my head. I think he let me know that night that he was addicted to me but he didn’t mean it like a good thing. He was sad that I was. I keep thinking lately… Did Javier really break that much?

What if that relationship has turned me into an abuser? I can’t believe I called Harry a junkie. I just… And then what? Then I cried so he would forgive me? I mean that’s what they do. Am I toxic to him?

I know ever since Dylan died I haven’t really been myself. I don’t even like the person that he left behind. I have felt… Empty and cold and heartless, I really have but… That has changed now. It has changed. But what if it has turned me into some sort of monster? What if I’m not capable of loving?

Out of all the people in the world who doesn’t deserve that, Harry’s the one who least deserves any of that.

“You can tell me.” Jason says.

We’re both sitting down on two velvety armchairs as the girls try things on. I give him a look.

“Whatever is troubling you, you can tell me.”

I sigh.

“Do you think I’m cold?” My eyes investigate his so he can’t lie.

“How do you mean?” His eyes narrow.

“I mean… Do you think… Do I remind you of David?”

“Of David?” He almost stands up from his chair as he frowns and turns to look at me. “You? Of course not! You’re nothing like David!”

“Well, you don’t know the way I treat Harry…”

Jason straightens his back before he sighs.

“Well, why don’t you tell me what you did so I can decide?”

“Because I’m embarrassed.” I shrug.

“You’re sorry, that’s what you are, which means you’re nothing like David.”

“What if I am? It’s not enough with being sorry, is it? The thing is never doing it again and I keep hurting him.”

“How?”

“I… I speak very harshly to him sometimes and I tell him terrible things… I… I don’t want to hurt him, you know? He’s become someone important to me, someone I care about. I would never hurt him and yet I keep doing just that and I don’t even know why.”

I look away from him and Jason sighs again.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

I tilt my neck to look back at him the moment he quotes The Perks of Being a Wallflower. He’s stern and understanding. I frown, I don’t know what the fuck does that have to do with anything of this but I listen because I love this guy more than I love most people.

“Indie” He reaches for my hand “is it possible that you do that when you feel like he’s getting too close?”

I look away. I don’t think it matters why I do it. I don’t think it would have hurt less that I had known the reason why Javier had me tied up on the bed. And what if the reason doesn’t have a solution? I mean what if the reason is my subconscious is trying to put him away from Dylan’s place? What do I do about that?  

“Indie, I can’t pretend I understand what it’s like to lose somebody you love as much as you loved Dylan-”

“I love Dylan.” I correct him.

“You love Dylan, sorry. But… Dylan… I mean… D’you think he would want you to be lonely?”

I don’t answer him nor do I look into his eyes that investigate me.

“Put on his shoes.” He whispers. “Imagine the story the other way, imagine you were him and he was yourself. What would you want for him?”

I let his words take me to that parallel world sometimes I wished it was the real one. If I had died that night, then Dylan would be here and if angels existed then I would be the one for him and I would look after him and protect him from whatever cloud angels get on the sky. But what if I saw him with another woman? What if I heard the same things he said to me said to her? What if he loved her more than he loved me? What would I be then?

I remember my therapist trying to sow that idea in my head- that we have to let go, that no person can live in the past forever, and that letting go doesn’t mean disrespecting. I wonder where’s the balance, I wonder if someday I’ll be able to find a way to feel good without feeling like I’ve forgotten all about him. But I know what I would want if I had been the one dead that night.

“I would want him to be loved.”

I feel tears on my lacrimal and Jason’s hand wraps around my arm and gently squeezes me.

“I know that’s what he would want to.” He whispers.

“I haven’t been able to go to his grave once.” I whisper. “I think if I could… Talk to him… Maybe let him now, I love him and I always will but… I think I love someone else.”

I hear Jason taking a deep breath and only then I realize what I just said. I tilt my neck so I can see his face. I don’t know what I’m expecting neither do I know why I’m expecting him to judge me. But he just smiles.

“I already knew that. Your face lightens up when he’s around or when someone talks about him. I saw that on Marie’s house the other weekend.”

I take a deep breath and give up. He’s right.

“Don’t worry, it’s the same for him. He treated you like a queen and was always looking after you and I think you guys understand each other pretty well.”

“We understand each other? We fight like cat and dog.”

“The way I see it, you’ve had your misunderstandings but you’ve always figured it out. D’you think any other person would have stick around long enough for you to figure each other out? And I’m not talking just about him, I mean, he’s got some issues too.” He frowns.

I finally chuckle. He does have some issues but they don’t come close to all the other good things he has.

“You know, I’m happy you got him. It makes it easier for me to finally do what I’ve always wanted.” He smiles.

“What is that?”

“The States.”

My mouth shuts. My lips pursed and I want to cry.

“The States? You’re leaving too?”

First Ollie and now him. No, no, no, there’s no way Marie and I are going to overcome this. They can’t leave; he can’t leave. I need him. My pulse accelerates. I never thought I was going to be losing my best friends so fast. He smirks and nods his head.

“I need it, Indie. I didn’t go because of David and he… He treated me like shit throughout the entire relationship and I didn’t lose you guys because you are fucking angels from another planet but I think I just need to go away for some time, figure myself out, do what I want for a change.”

I take a deep breath. I really need to stop being so selfish. I don’t even know how long for he’s planning on leaving but the least thing I can do as a decent friend is to support him not matter what. I’ll miss him, sure, but I won’t lose him just because he goes to another continent. He’d have to change his name and go to a secret location for me to lose him.

“If that’s what you want and what you think you need, I’m all in.” I smile. “I’m gonna fucking miss you but I’m happy that you’re doing your thing. I hope you know, even when you were with David, you never changed the person you really are and I think that says a lot about you. What happened to you was not your fault, it was his, and it could have happened to anyone. God knows we both know how they find the way to get into your mind. but you’ve always been more than what happened to you.”

He frowns despite his smile and I can tell that’s his way to try and hold back the tears. He wipes the ones that scape out before he holds my hand.

“I fucking love you.”

“I love you too.”

“And you call me dramatic but look at what speech you gave for three months that I’m leaving.”

“You’re leaving for three months?” I frown and he laughs. “Then why would you say it like that? I thought you were leaving for good.”

He laughs.

“And miss your wedding and your pregnancy with Harry’s babies? Never.”

“Hey, hop off the horse!” We both chuckle.

“Just be honest with him, Indie.” He tilts his neck. “You’ve got him here” he flexes his fingers to gesture a handful and taps a finger on it “and here” he taps a finger on his chest where his heart is and I smile. “Now, why don’t you get some sexy ass lingerie for him?” He wriggles his eyebrows. “The straight guy in me can help you decide.”

“You’re on.” I smile.

I try on about five of them. The girls are the judges but they all know I’ll end up choosing whatever I like. I never listen to advices when it comes about clothes. I know what I like and what I don’t and that’s that.

I do have a thing for underwear. It’s the only thing I actually enjoy buying so most of my underwear is cute and lace or silk or nice soft cotton but I do get excited at the idea of surprising Harry with something sexier than usual.

Maybe high stockings would do, I could wear a skirt and underneath it some high stockings hooked up to the waist of a lace bodysuit or something like that. I find a black lace one almost see through except from some parts strategically covered with the black flowery pattern, the cut between my legs and my nipples. The straps are silk and from the one around my waist, the two clasps for the stockings fall on my thighs. I love it.

After getting our underwear and going go with JJ to the male section of Gucci and Yves Saint Laurent, we finally sit down on a terrace surrounded by bags and have a drink. I order a Martini because I guess I’m feeling fancy after all and my friends order a sort of fancy cocktail each, except from Coco that goes with a beer. Her and Ollie are the ones who look fancier by far, Marie does too but in a way that lets you know she’s the good girl in the family, whereas Ollie looks like the one who’s always late to family meetings and Coco looks straight out of a magazine and yet there she is with a beer on her hand not caring about the contrast one bit.

In front of the terrace, there’s an Italian restaurant where there are two guys at the door, opening them for the clients. I have caught them staring at me more than once but every time I look the look away. I’m afraid I even have a boob out with all the staring but when I look down I realize I don’t. Jason’s sitting next to me and I wonder whether he’s noticed too or I’m just being paranoid. I look up at them and one of them look to the floor. Jason laughs.

“Geez, they could get a photo.” Jason says.

Alright, I’m not crazy.

“You’ve noticed too?”

“They haven’t taken their eyes off you since you sat down.” He chuckles. “And I’m sitting right here, I could be your boyfriend for all they know.”

Olivia tilts her neck and turns her head around being the blatant bitch she is before she gives me a smile.

“Well, they can keep trying, they’re trying to get in the place of an Armani underwear model.”

I roll my eyes and so does Marie. My eyes drift to her.

“You’re so exaggerated.”

“He could be one.” I defend him.

My friends and sister giggle and I blush but join in. It’s true, he could really be one and I miss him and want to see him.

Ollie’s call coincides with the moment Jason gets up from our table to go to the toilet and Marie gives my sister a smile.

“Coco, how are things with Guido? Are you happy?”

“Oh, I’m very happy.” She smiles. “I’ve never had this before, you know? Knowing my feelings are reciprocated. It just feels great.”

“Oh, I’m happy to hear that. You deserve someone like that.”

“So do you.” I tell Marie. “How’s everything with Adam?”

“He’s a dream.” Marie shakes her head. “I do worry that everything is too good.”

“Why?”

“Well, he’s so gentle and loving and caring… I keep thinking when it is going to end.”

“Why would it end? I mean, obviously there’s always like the first few months where everything is just perfect and all that and after that there’s more comfort and less romanticism but… Don’t worry about that. It’ll come naturally.”

“See? But that’s what I don’t want! I don’t want him to walk in the bathroom while I’m peeing or for him to see me with my hair on a towel and a face mask on.”

Coco giggles.

“Well, maybe not now, but it’ll eventually happen if you guys stay together for long enough.”

She looks away from us and takes a deep breath before she speaks.

“The other day he told me to leave some things at his place.” She all but whispers as if it was some sort of secret. “Well, he got micellar water even though he didn’t know what that was because I told him once that I couldn’t stay over at his house because I didn’t have my micellar water to wash my face.”

“Aw.” Coco rests a hand on her chest and Marie’s lips pursed.

I giggle.

“And why is that a bad thing?”

“It’s not a bad thing.” She shakes her head. “It’s just… Are we not moving too fast?”

“I mean he asked you to leave stuff at his house because you need stuff. It’s not like he asked you to move in. I stay over at Harry’s all the time.”

“Don’t you think I’ll freak him out when he realizes I’m a high maintenance girl?”

“I mean, Marie” Coco’s sweet tone makes my friend look at her “I think he might have an idea already?”

“I mean” I giggle “he’s been to your house.”

“Yeah, but my skincare is all carefully kept in the bathroom cabinet.”

“Well” I smile “I don’t think that’ll be a deal breaker.”

She sighs.

“Maybe some day you can let him in the bathroom while you do your skincare routine. I do not think he’s gonna be faced by that.”

Her brown, good-girl’s eyes investigate mine whilst she considers my idea. I can’t believe she actually think that would be a problem. Adam is crazy about him. I don’t think there’s anything she can say that would make him not want her.

Jason comes back before Ollie does but it doesn’t take her long to stand next to our table.

“Guys, this was a very lovely day” she starts “but I won’t lie to you. Mario just called me, he said he had a hard day at the hospital today and I want to cheer him up with incredible sex and cuddles so-”

“We did not need to know about the incredible sex.” Marie tells her but Ollie just smiles.

“And of course you can leave to be with your lover, Ollie, no need to explain anything to us.”

“Right.” She smiles. “Then see you, guys.”

With that she picks up her uncountable bags and leaves and Marie bites her bottom lip.

“I think I’m gonna leave too, guys. I have a skincare routine to share with someone special.” She smiles at Coco and me and we both laugh.

“What?” Jason chuckles looking at both Coco and me. “I’m kind of tired too, girls. Your shopping gave me a headache.”

“I’m pretty sure you bought more stuff than me.” I reprimand him but he just rolls his eyes.

“Anyway, I love you all. See you.”

Coco and I walk together to her car and on the way there we both chat about how the group has changed in just a few months. It’s like we’ve grown up more in this year than we have in the last five. Jason went out of a terrible relationship and came out being stronger and more confident than ever and he’s going to the States for that internship he wanted; Ollie’s finally moved on from Jack and her inner crisis and seems to be done with being insecure and afraid of love; lovely Marie found her knight in shinning armour and is living the dream; and even Coco and me left the past behind and meet someone great.

I might miss the way things used to be because they’ve been like that for a long time but… I think they’re only getting better.

I dare to do it, if Marie’s going to show her skincare routine to Adam and Mario called Olivia because he had a hard day and needed comfort, I can tell him.

Indie: Miss you x

I rest my phone on my thigh and look out the window trying not to torture myself if he doesn’t answer straight away. He might be busy, he might be asleep even or he might be with his family.

Harry: Fuck, I miss you too

I grin like a kid on Christmas morning. Harry’s typing…

Harry: Are you done with your friends?

Indie: Yes :)

Harry: Can I see you?

Indie: Yes :)

Harry: Bien

I giggle like a teenager and Coco tilts her neck to give me an amused look. She’s not used to it.

“Do I drive you home or directly to Harry’s?”

“Do you have plans?”

“I wanna go home to shower but I’m going out with Guido afterwards.”

“Are you taking the car?”

“Yes.”

“Do you mind dropping me at Harry’s then? So I can shower and stuff before too.”

“Sure, no problem.”

“Awesome. Thank you.”

Harry: Did you have dinner?

Indie: Yes.

Indie: Are you at home?

Harry: Yes, I am. Are you coming?

Indie: Are you inviting me?

Harry: You’re always invited, love.

Indie: Then how about I visit you in an hour?

Harry: Can’t wait xxx 

After the shower, I butter my body with my strawberry and vanilla body lotion and put on my new lingerie set before I put on some lip balm and mascara. I put on a terracotta colour soft woollen sweater and a high waist black denim mini skirt that covers my stocking so they look like normal tights.

I’m excited to see Harry but on the way to his apartment while Coco drives and tells me about some of Guido’s jokes that had her laughing last time they saw each other, the excitement turns into nervousness.

Will he think this is too much? Will he find it funny? Because I would be mortified if he does and after all, this is not a special occasion. It’s just a random Friday night. Oh, God, he might think I’m crazy.

As I stand on the lift to his apartment, my sister’s compliment on my outfit gives me some nerve. I mean it’s just Harry. If he finds it funny or thinks it’s too much, I can always play it cool and pretend it was a joke all along.

He’s waiting by the door with a big smile when the lift doors opened and I make my way towards him keeping both hands on my brown jacket. He takes it and places it on the couch before we make our way towards his living room.

“Would you like anything to drink?” He offers.

“Um, maybe a cup of tea?”

He smiles amused.

“I was thinking you were going to say something alcoholic because it’s a Friday after all but you always surprise me, Blue.”

I chuckle.

“How was your day?”

“Good.” He nods his head as he turns the kettle on and takes two cups from the cupboard. “I had lunch with my mum. She asked me about you.” He gives me a smile that melts me. “How was yours?”

“Good too. We had coffee and then went shopping until we were hungry so we had a dinner and then a drink.”

“Sounds like torture to me.”

I laugh at his comment.

“That is not true. I’ve seen your closet, you’re into fashion.”

He smiles dimply because he knows I’ve caught him. God, I have seen him smile countless times in the last five months but still it makes my heart skips a beat. I approach him when he’s giving me his back checking on the water in the kettle and when he turns his head for he noticed my presence, I’m inches away from him. He wraps his arms around me and understands what I want so he leans down and kisses me. I let my tongue tell him how much I missed him and he hums as it pushes between his lips and caresses his. His hands find my ass and I moan against his mouth but the kiss is sweet and tender and we only pull apart when the kettle whistles.

We sit down on the couch and have our cups of tea as he tells me more about his lunch with his mum and I tell him more about my day. He also tells me about his congress and about an interesting case he had this week and I realize then how easy it is to talk to him. I didn’t realize there were these many things I wanted to tell him until I had him in front of me.

He’s been very handsy too and I’m sure so have I even if I don’t notice, but his hands have never left my legs and I’ve been a little nervous that he might move them a little higher and realize what I’m wearing but so far, he’s just been respectfully caressing my knee or calves.

“How is Jason doing?” He asks.

I find it so sweet that he asks about my friends.

“He’s better. Yeah, I think he’s doing good. He’s going to the States though.” My hand finds its bicep as I try to catch his undivided attention even though I already have it.

“What do you mean he’s going to the States?”

“Well, it’s only for three months.” I turn the drama off a little. “It’s this internship he got while he was with David Dick, he said no because David wanted him to stay but apparently he’s gotten a second chance and he said yes this time.”

“Wow, that’s great. Your friends are as nerdy as you.” He giggles.

“I’m not going anywhere though.”

“Yeah, thank God.”

He grins and his hands find my hips before he pulls me closer until I’m straddling him. He captures my lips with his in a long peck. Still, somehow, he hasn’t seen my stockings. I peck his lips again.

“Nah, I’m kidding, I would be very happy for you if you were going abroad for an internship or something too. You know that, right?”

I nod my head.

“I would miss you a lot though.” I confess and he grins.

“I would miss you too.”

I kiss him again and he kisses me back in a long, loving kiss until I pull away.

“I haven’t asked you: what did you get today?”

I lick my lips and feel my cheeks heating up. I’m sure when women wear these things, they don’t feel so shy. Plus, I have no reasons to feel shy when all Harry’s done is worship my body. I don’t know why I’m even doubting myself. He’s going to love it.

“I can show you.” I whisper.

I can feel his heartbeat accelerating under my hand and smile. Every doubt I’ve ever had flees my mind as I grab a handful of my sweater over my belly and pull from it so as to get it out of the hem of my skirt. His green eyes drop to my hand and his hands adjust to my hips over him. He swallows.

When my sweater springs free from my skirt, I just pull it up so he can see my lingerie bodysuit over my belly and his fingers sink of my hips as his lips part.

“Fuck me.” He whispers.

My lips curl up into a grin as his eyes search mine.

“You perfectly know what you do to me.”

His hand squeezes my hip once and I almost moan but then he takes his hands off me and rests them on the couch next to his hips.

“Well, do you want to see it or not?” I whisper.

He nods his head but doesn’t say a word. His eyes challenge me.

“You take off your clothes.” He whispers. “If you’re brave enough to wear that around me, you should be brave enough to undress yourself in front of me.” He smirks.

My eyebrows raise on my forehead and I give him a little smirk. He chuckles.

“D’you want a show?”

He grins as he nods, resting his back on the couch.

“And what do I get in return?”

“Oh, you’ll find out after the show.”

His green eyes, playful and filled on lust, narrow and this time it’s my pulse that accelerates. Placing my hands on his shoulders, I rest my weight on him as I get up from his lap and find my phone still on my purse. I go on Spotify and play Love Is A Bitch by Two Feet and hand him the phone so he can hear the song better. His grin turns nervous.

I have never done this before and I have no idea of how to dance for an striptease but here goes nothing. I sway my hips slowly much like I do when I’m fucking him because I already know he likes it from the times we have danced together. His eyes are set on me but instead of feeling nervous, I feel sexy and hot and lucky that he’s looking at me like that.

I turn around and give him my back before I bend over sticking my ass in the air to get my shoes off. Barefoot, I turn around and unbutton and unzip my skirt pushing it down my legs and letting him see my mid-thigh stockings. The corners of his lips curl up and he silently mouths fuck me.

Funny, I’m thinking the same thing. I caress myself like I’d like him to do, starting with the sides of my thighs and my hips and then my belly and my flanks, pulling my sweater up. I cup my own breasts under the sweater and don’t miss the way his Adam’s apple bops as he swallows. Still swaying slowly to the music, I grab the hem of my sweater and take it off dropping it on the floor.

I stand before him on my lingerie and feel fire burning inside me as his eyes roam my body up and down. He’s shifted his position on the couch but I can intuit the bulge between his legs.

“Do you want me to go on?” I whisper.

He shakes his head.

“Come here.”

I do as I’m told and his touch cuts my breathing halfway. His hand sticks to the exposed skin on my thigh and lustfully moves up to my hip where he squeezes.

“You must be fake.” He almost chuckles and I do.

“I’m real” I rest one knee on the couch next to his thigh and resting my hands on his shoulders, I straddle him “and yours.”

“Fuck.”

His fingertips press on the back of my neck and our mouths find each other with greed. The way he’s looked at me and the way he’s touched me and how hard I can now feel him against the inner side of my thigh drives me crazy and I push my tongue inside his mouth hungrily. My eagerness takes him by surprise but he’s just as eager as I am judging by the strength of his tongue against mine and the squeezes of his hands on my flesh. He pulls away but my mouth follows his blindly.

“Calm down, love” he chuckles against my lips “we’ve got all night. Let me enjoy you.”

I pout but instead of getting another kiss, he grins. I can’t say I’m disappointed with the outcome of my pouting. I love that he still looks like a child when he grins even when he’s acting so much like a man, full of lust and need.

“How did I do?”

Grinning, he takes my hand and lets me feel his hard on. It excites me to the point that my walls clench. He’s so hard and so hot… I want him inside me now. No, I don’t want him, I need him.

“I had never done that before.” I confess.

“Are you serious?”

I nod timidly and he sighs.

“You’re a natural then. That was the hottest thing I have ever seen and this thing…” His fingers caress my bodysuit “fucking hell, Blue, I’m gonna be dreaming about this.”

I laugh.

“Now you have to show me what I get for it.”

He grins and licks his lips as he tilts his neck.

“Well, when did the show end? You did ask me if I wanted you to go on.”

“And you said no.” I frown.

“Because I don’t want you to take this off just yet.” His tongue licks my lips like a cat. “But… If you want, I would love to watch you first.”

“Watch me?” I frown. “Doing what?”

He grins. He takes my hand in his and brings them both to my sex making me cup my dripping lips myself. I breathe in through my nose. He’s so close to me and he’s smiling in the way that turns my insides into jelly and I’m so wet and so needy… I need some relief now.

“I want you to touch yourself for me, baby.”

“You mean… Right here on top of you?”

He nods slowly but his fingers move over mine and make me caress myself. He does that a few more times before he removes his hand and lets me work alone. I keep doing what he was doing before and press circles on my clit as my eyes set on him. His hands hold my hips to give me more balance and I slip my fingers underneath the soaked fabric. His eyes move from the place I’m touching to my eyes and stop at my breasts.

“Fuck…” He whispers. “How does it feel, baby?”

I slip a single finger inside before I get another one.

“It feels better when you do it.” I confess.

He squeezes my hips and pecks my lips.

“I can show you how I do it.” His lips press on the exposed skin over my bra and I feel a current of electricity on my body. “D’you want me to?”

I keep touching myself with lips part, enjoying his kisses and his whispers. I love how his voice turns deeper and raspier when we’re having sex. It drives me crazy.

“Why do you want me to touch myself instead of you?” I whisper.

“Because having you pleasuring yourself on top of me… Fuck, baby… You don’t know how sexy you are.”

I bite on my bottom lip but his thumb pulls from it liberating it. I look into his eyes.

“If you do that, I’m gonna burst.” He smirks. “Do you not touch yourself?”

“Yes, I do.” I move my fingers slowly against my clit because I’d cum already if the rhythm was any faster. “I guess it’s just… I’m nervous.”

“Why? You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.”

“It’s not that.” I gasp. “I do, I just… I want you.”

He grins and cups my breast on one hand making me moan.

“I’m right here, love. I just want you to cum like this first and then we can do whatever you want. Only if you want though.”

“I do want.” I stop him. “Just show me how you do it.”

He slips his own fingers the fabric of my bodysuit and guides mine.

“You have to start here” he covers the upper side to my clit, the part closer to my belly and presses slow circles “slowly, yeah, like that and don’t be nervous, baby. If you don’t cum on your own, I’ll help you.”

I half laugh half moan and he chuckles. I keep moving my fingers like he told me to do until I find a spot that sends electricity through my body. I start rubbing faster and the feeling is so good I almost don’t notice he removed his fingers.

“That’s right, baby, faster, faster.”

I feel the lower part of my belly tensing up and my nipples hardening and I moan as I relax my neck and throw my head back.

“Now stop.” Harry’s hand covers mine and stops my movement and I frown and give him a death glare that only makes him laugh. “And do it slowly again.”

I let him guide me and move my fingers against my clit watching him watch me. His eyes are fixed on my hand and my pussy and he’s biting his lip. God, this is so hot. I’m horny as hell.

One of his hands move from my hips to my inner thigh and he slips his fingers under the fabric again, slipping two fingers inside me and making me moan out loud.

“Fuck, I just wanted to see how wet you are.”

He moves his fingers slowly in and out of me and between that and my own stimulation on my clit I am afraid I might faint. I bite on my bottom lip again and he pulls from it with his thumb.

“What did I say?” He whispers as his fingers keep moving in and out of me so I bit my lip again so as not to scream. “You’re not really as good of a student as I thought.” He chuckles.

He gets his fingers out of me and I whimper making him chuckle again.

“You do it, baby.”

I curl two fingers inside of me and move them with the rhythm he was using and one of Harry’s hands squeeze my hip. I shut my eyes and gasp.

“Imagine it’s me, love.”

“Oh, God.”

When I open my eyes, I see he’s stroking himself over his jeans and my eyes drop to his bulge.

“You don’t know how much you’re turning me on, baby.”

No, he has no idea how much this is turning me on. I thought this was something only done in porn but this is fucking hot. Having him right here as I pleasure myself, hearing his voice thick with lust and knowing how much watching me is turning him on drives me crazy.

“You’re always so good with me.” He captures my earlobe between his teeth and pulls from it and I moan.

“Touch yourself, H.”

“D’you want me to?” His voice comes out strangled then and I feel the power he gives me burning my skin.

“Yes, like I’m doing.”

I hear his zipper going down and feel him lifting his hips from the couch to take his pants off. My eyes set on his hard length, already leaking precum, shinning and tight, and his fingers wrap around himself.

I try to take this time to focus on what he does to himself so I know how to touch him better next time so I slow the rhythm of my fingers for otherwise I’d finish already. Harry’s mouth attacks the side of my neck so I can no longer see him because my neck tilts back without my consent to grant him better access and he keeps kissing my skin.

“I’m not going to last long watching you, baby.” He whispers.

“Oh, God, I’m very close already, Harry… I fucking… This is so exciting.” I moan.

“Fuck me, keep talking.”

“Oh, Harry… I want you to cum so I can cum too but…” I can tell his pumping accelerates and so do my fingers. “It’s such a shame you’re not on my mouth like last time… You taste so good.”

A guttural sound cuts his breathing halfway and I feel a hot liquid spurt on my thigh. That sends me into overdrive and I moan until my throat stings. Harry’s hands hold my hips as I sigh and try to catch my breath and then I smile at him.

“Stop that or I won’t be able to stop fucking you.”

I laugh softly.

“Then don’t stop.”

He smiles mischievously at me and I know he was hoping to hear that.

“I can’t decide whether I want this off or not.”

He says staring down at my bodysuit and I laugh.

“I’m glad you like it.”

He doesn’t say anything, instead he just smiles before he leans in to capture my lips with his. We kiss intimately for a while and then his hands pull my hips down and he penetrates me slowly. He swallows my moans as he keeps kissing me lustfully but slowly, almost calmly.

His hands hold my ass and he lifts me and sinks me back down so he’s fully controlling the rhythm, a very slow, torturous one that lets me feel every inch of him as he stretches me on his way inside. I feel him so deep too, I don’t think he’s every filled me like this but I love it and I let him known, with moans and bites on his bottom lip.

“You like it slow, baby?”

I hum and nod my head and we kiss each other as if we were the only people in the world. Right now, he is to me.

“Spread your hips wider apart.” He whispers.

I do as I’m told and replace my knees further away from him. His hands hold me in place as he slowly pushes back in and I feel him paving his way through my channel inch by inch until our pubic bones touch and we both gasp.

“Oh, God.”

And we repeat again. He pulls out almost entirely and then sinks in again. He kisses me passionately and I press my body against his as if we could get closer. He captures my bottom lip with his teeth and pulls from it like I normally do with his and when my lip sets free from his prison, we both smile at each other. He fills me again and, in this kiss,, it’s me who pulls from his bottom lip. I have never felt more filled of him and of feelings for him, lust and love bubble and mix together inside my belly and burst in every kiss.

“Fuck, Harry, you’re amazing.”

I hear him giggling.

“Don’t laugh.”

He slaps my ass cheek and I jump a little.

“I’ll laugh if I want to.” He grins.

I smile too.

“You’re right. Don’t stop laughing. I love it when you do” I gasp as he fills me again, he rolls out “And I love your smile, you’re so handsome when you smile” when he fills me again, I tangle my fingers on his hair and pull from it “and your hair, I love your hair and your eyes, when you look at me…”

He shuts me up with a passionate kiss and I hope he understands how I feel about him through this intimate encounter.

“Blue…”

I wait for him to speak but he doesn’t say anything even though his hips don’t stop moving against mine.

“What?” I press him.

“Nothing.”

I would have insisted but his hips attack mine hard and it cuts my breath halfway. I cling onto his shoulders and he keeps thrusting inside me hard and fast. I pull from his hair and listen to our skins clapping together and the wet sounds of our intimate encounter. His hand cups and squeezes my breast and I arch my back and tense up as I cum again.

His thrusts become faster and sloppier until he cums himself and before I have time to react, he’s standing up and carrying me on his hips to his bed. He lies me on my back and smiles as he stares at me.

He spreads my legs opened and gets on his knees between them and his hands hold my ankle and place it on his shoulder before he unclasps my stockings and put them down my leg. He does the exact same thing with my other leg and caresses my entire body before he takes off my bodysuit.

He then hovers me and pecks my lips a few times before he pecks my nose and my cheeks and then my neck and my collarbones and he leaves kisses in every inch of my skin. I almost giggle when he kisses the spots that tickle and I feel a different type of excitement on my belly at his attention for these kisses aren’t even lustful, even though we’re both now naked. I feel adored and I feel cared for and wanted and I feel my heart about to explode with love for him.

He kisses my legs and from the inner side of my thighs he moves back to my belly, kissing my skin there again before he smiles at me.

“What do you want from me, Harry?”

“Everything.” He smiles as his face reaches the level of mine and he pecks my lips again. “I want everything from you.”

My breath catches on my throat. I want him, no, more, I love him. I love him. I swallow and play with his hair as I stare into his eyes.

“Careful what you wish for” I whisper “If you play with fire, you’ll end up burned.”

“I’m already burned.” He smirks. “And here I am.”

I smile but the smiles turns into an o as he thrusts inside me again. God, this man is insatiable, but I can’t get enough either. He fucks me slowly again and he keeps biting my lips and squeezing my flesh as we both gasp and moan.

I sink my nails on his back as he licks and sucks on my nipples and I moan his name once and again whilst his hips keep drilling me to his bed. I wish we could stay like this forever. When the delicious torture on my breasts is done, he grants me again with the heavenly image of his face and that’s all I can see as he rests his forehead against mine and keeps on moving in and out of me. I feel his breath on my face and swallow his grunts and moans.

I am not sure he feels the same way I do. I don’t know if he loves me but I don’t think I could feel any of this if he didn’t. I don’t think he would make love to me like this if he didn’t love me. I think he wouldn’t touch me like he does, I think he wouldn’t squeeze my flesh so gently if he didn’t. I think his kisses wouldn’t feel like this if he didn’t love me too.

“You feel so good, baby.”

I feel my pulse on my skin and I feel the knot on my belly about to untie and with another push of his, I lose track of space and time and my head sinks of the pillow. I can’t even breathe for some seconds until I moan out loud and feel my throat raspy and becoming inflamed. He lets go too, groaning in my ear and shivering on my arms.

It takes him a few seconds to roll out of me, but he stays laying on top of me and I hug him to my chest as we both fight to catch our breaths. I don’t know what any of this was but he filled me in every level and I still feel my heart pumping proudly at the newly found sentiment.

Harry’s breathing pattern changes and becomes calm and deep. Carefully, I pull back just enough to look into his eyes but they’re close and his expression is peaceful. I kiss his forehead.

“You’re falling asleep on me.” I whisper.

“No…” He frowns but his eyes are still closed.

I smile and try my best to pull from the duvet so I can cover us both but I’m not strong enough.

“I just need help to cover us up.”

“I’ll warm you up.” He mumbles.

“You’ll freeze too, come on.”

With one hand he lifts my back from the bed and with the other he pulls from the duvet and rolls us both under the duvet before he hugs me again. This time he rests his back against the mattress and pulls me to him so I’m the one resting my head on his chest. I trace senseless figures with my fingertips on his bare chest.

“Blue”

“Yes?”

“Give me a goodnight kiss.”

I chuckle before I lift my head and peck his lips. His eyes are still closed but he frowns.

“Kiss me well.” He complains.

I press my lips against his again, not quite knowing what he wants, and lick my way inside his mouth, getting a lazy response from his tongue. When I think I did well, I pull apart and peck his lips as closure but he opens his eyes and the intense green in them paralyzes me.

“I want one of your kisses.”

Still impressed by his gaze, I press my lips against his again and I put all the affection I have for him on the kiss until my belly erupts in a fist of butterflies and my chest feels funny and warm. We kiss one another with love, it can only be love, and when I feel like my pulse has reached my brain, I pull away and Harry skims my nose with his.

I rest my cheek against his chest before he opens his eyes and realizes I’m blushing and I hear his heartbeat against my temple. His breathing slows down just like the movement of his fingertips on the low of my back and he sighs.

“Blue…”

I hum.

“I love you.”